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How many times can you answer the same question before people stop asking? I quit the Avengers five weeks ago today. And everyone I've ever meet is dying to know why. I'm beginning too think it's not much curiosity as it is... that nobody likes my answer. Tell your dentist you've just willingly given up your rent-free apartment in Avengers Tower -- and turned in your S.H.I.E.L.D. international super-spy expense account -- because you want to try living a normal life -- she will tilt her head at you like a confused terrier. I get it. Sounds weird. But Look, myparents were mad scientists who pumped me full of spider-juice just to see what would happen. I went to Hail Hydra high school and Nick Fury university. Everyone I've ever dated has super powers. (Except Hawkeye.) I've been extraordinary my entire life. After all these years of insanity... a little ordinary sounds pretty #$%^ great. What? This doesn't look very normal to you? Am I caught in the web of an apocalyptic Multiversal Spider-Orgy? Or fighting off a cosmic-level extinction event? No. I don't hear Maria Hill chirping need-to-know double talk into my ear. And as far as I can tell, I haven't been abducted and replaced by any SkrullQueens. You have your normal... and I have mine. This is what I wanted. Old school. Street level. Helping the innocent by hospitalizing the guilty.
All right, listen... I did not come here to fight you. I came here to find you. And what I found is frankly... remarkable. What you've built here is remarkable and I don't want to see it snatched away. But you have to stop breaking all these @#$% laws. Blackmailing your idiot exes into stealing things is just stealing things. That ends now. Leave your old lives back where they belong and build new ones -- here in your cool little town full of beautiful cars. Normal-people lives funded by normal-people jobs. Free of criminal coercion and larceny. If you can do that... and I will know because I plan to keep serious tabs on this place... but if you can, my lips are sealed. Secret safe. Are we cool? Good. Now if someone could direct me to the closest handful of aspirin -- and maybe a bottle of fruit-flavored soda -- that would be amazing.
I never wanted children. Not even a little. Other people's kids are... well, they're weird. Always either obnoxious-loud. Or awkward-quiet. With ten or so sticky little fingers grabbing at everything. I believe that other people genuinely enjoy holding babies. I do. I just can't for the life of me tell you why. It's not that I'm heartless or cold. I like grown people. I like baby animals. I watch that bouncing internet goat video, like, three times a week. I just... never wanted to be a mom, you know?
I'm thirty-six weeks pregnant, lady! I'm meant to be home right now, saving my DVR from reruns of Property Brothers. My one and only priority is the safety of this big weird gut. Just like the rest of you. Look, I know this is scary. I'm not trying to freak anyone out. All we have to do is hold out a few more minutes. I promise I can get us through this. But I'm not risking my kid's life so you lot can keep your seats. I'm gonna need your help. Okay? Good. Here's what we're gonna do.
It's funny. I've been trying so hard for normal. Quit the Avengers. Moved into the office. Started this street-level thing with Urich. And well... try as I might. Normal has eluded the Spider-Woman. But this little guy here. Maybe he's got a shot at it. Maybe I can give him normal.
Why can't super heroes go five minutes without hauling off and putting the fate of the world into their own hands? Well, that's because we're all a bunch of -- arrogant. Judgmental. Self-righteous. Jackasses. It's not our fault really. The vocation attracts a certain personality type. It's our nature. Pit a bunch of obsessive type-A thrill seekers against a common enemy? Look out. But ask that same group to wait a few seconds and maybe try talking things out? Things can get grim, dark, and ugly in a hurry. One end of the world scenario a year is enough for me, thanks very much. Spider-Woman is way too busy for that @#$%. I'm steering clear and staying out for a while.