Wade Wilson (Earth-616)/Quotes

No, babe -- Enough of you! Enough of us!

Tell 'em time and time again -- keep your mouth shut -- but women, you know? They-just-don't-listen!

Come ta think of it -- I've seen tougher Ken dolls than you! An' I mean take yer pick here -- mod-hair Ken -- disco Ken -- summer fun Ken -- I let Barbie whip me 'cos I'm a wuss Ken -- Any o' you guys lissenin' t'me?

Did he say Jughead-naut? Is that someone who searches for the Archies?

Edsel, huh? Good name for yer little tank...'cause for all the crud you three just put me through -- I'm gonna make you all obsolete!

AAAAAAAAGHHH!! Packing chips! That's the greatest weapon on the face of the planet -- styrofoam packing chips! Just imagine getting nailed by some of these babies! Oh the humanity!

You have any idea how hard it is to find a joint that'll serve a guy in a mask and bandolier? They won't even let me into Taco Bell!

In the immortal words of Clark Whatsisname -- up, up and away!

Wow. Whaddaya know? Logic stops the Juggernaut!

Nobody steals my girl and gets away with it.

I said: Hmmph... Mrrggg... Hmmph..!

"Pwangg?" Trees don't go "Pwangg--" Llamas don't go "Pwangg--" Nothing found in nature goes "Pwangg", which means -- we're officially hip deep in the smelly stuff.

Didn't anyone tell you? I'm a riddle, dude. I eat the uncertainty principle for breakfast -- I was born the original loose cannon -- and I am one unpredictable feather-pluckin' walrus! Koo-koo-ka-freakin'-Choo!

Time to make the donuts! You were expecting maybe for me to yell "spoon"?

Please, Al, a little warning next time... Some of us aren't blind y'know?

The only thing you're going to be is shish-kabob. And as soon as I find my lungs, I'm taking you back to the Kingpin for supper!

Shhh. My common sense is tingling.

...none of this is actually happening. There is a man. At a typewriter. This is all his twisted imagination.

You wanted to hear my story. Well, here it is: my name is Wade Wilson. I spent a lotta years doin' things I wasn't particularly proud of. Then I got cancer. Then I joned the Weapon X Project, hopin' to find a cure. I gained a healing factor which eliminated the cancer, and most of my skin. Then I washed out of Weapon X as a failed genetic mess. I was discarded, along with dozens of others. Left to rot -- in the dead pool. Busted out. Did a few more things I wasn't particularly proud of before I found my calling -- as Deadpool. Did more stuff. Saved the Universe. Got myself scragged -- woke up here -- wherever "here" is -- with you -- whoever you are. Which brings us to Chapter X: "Egghead gets his neck snapped!" A Quinn Martin Production.

I know y'can't hear me, Mercedes -- after all, you're not dead anymore. Ain't that darn ironic. You get your life back just as mine is stripped away. Which, I guess, is pretty much what I had comin'. Seein' as how I'm the guy that killed you. But I sure wish you were here. I don't mean here -- in the ground or nothin' -- I just -- ah, whatever, just lookin' for the right words to say -- somethin' appropriate -- -- oh, wait. That's right -- you weren't my wife.

How to be a super-villain, lesson 32: "When attacking your enemy, do not scream like a girl scouts -- as that may tend to alarm him to your presence, giving him the split-second he needs to reach --" his concussion grenades!!

Nothin'. Just called to say -- I'm still alive!!

"Go to the light, Wade Wilson... go to the..." Memo to self: stop making fun of Crush Test Dummies...

Ah, threats! And so well-timed! Okayyy -- NOBODY MOVE -- OR THE WHITE BOY GETS IT!! I mean it! One step and he's a dead man! Just one! Any step will do! Even a baby step... a shuffle! A slither! You there -- with the two heads -- you look like you wanna take a step --!

You of all people ought to know what I mean, Shulkie!

Yeah, well -- things change. I mean, c'mon! We've knocked noggins enough for you to know that trying to figure me out is like trying to predict the migrating habits of Africanized bees! It's like -- you can do it -- but somebody's always gonna get stung!

First, my day rate for snuffing self-loathing maniacs in kitty-kat suits is a lot higher than my standard kidnap fee. Second -- well, okay, I only have one level!

Lay off the geriatric jokes will ya?

My God, I'm not some human scab-factory anymore!

Well if it isn't Nathan Christopher Dayspring Askani'son Summers... or are you just calling yourself Priscilla now?

Hey if you looked like Ryan Reynolds crossed with a shar-pei, you'd understand!

What's red and black and blue all over?

Don't you ninja monks ever shower? I mean, what are you... French?

"This place makes the best Chimichanga on the island. Don't even like Chimichangas all that much. I just love saying it. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga."

No--wait-- do you have any idea how many STD's I could have?

Did you ever have one of those lives...?

Iron Fist is a beautiful Porn nickname.

Once, a tragic divide rocked the Stars and Stripes. Civil strife pitched brother against brother. Blue versus Grey. It was a terrible time, blood and guts and everything in very depressing sepia. It was called The War Between The States, but now we call it the Civil War, like we own the title or something...

I have to pee.

Well good morning to you, too.

If you're not Black Cat, then I'm done. But first -- The Olsen Twins: Good? Evil? Or part of the elaborate C.I.A. plot?

I don't them. I don't need to. I know who I am. In T-Ray's mixed-up memories--ones that he shared with me--I was wearing my Deadpool costume when he found me. But I didn't become Deadpool until after I left Project X--after I got this healing factor to cure my cancer. After my mom dies of cancer when I was a kid. After my dad died in a barfight because of one of my drunken friends. After I'd been kicked out of the army. Which I'd sighed up for as Wade Winston Wilson. Because that's who I am. And anyone who says differently... is just imagining things.

Let's try this one more time now that I'm not in a team-up sorta mood!

Can you send me forward to the time when I was mowing my lawn and my next door neighbor, Mrs. Nowicki, asked if I could rub lotion on her back and I ran and locked myself in the Bathroom? I'd really like a do-over on that one, please.

"Let's Play." "Game Over." You've got more corn in your one-liners than I have in my poop after the county fair!

Me? I'm Deadpool, "The Merc with a Mouth." Good shots and bad jokes--that's me. You're Wolverine, the berserker wildman of the woods. You're the best at what you do and what you do isn't pretty. Now, that means you kill people, right? Right? That's you.

-- How do you say "Oh, $#@!" in Skrull-ese?

Answer me something, Egghead. Was it just because I have an accelerated healing factor that I was able to take down an entire unit of Skrulls -- including Chilly McHotpants over here?

These colors don't run. Unless they have to!

Now this chair is really comfortable. Yeah. But can it Explode?! Didn't think so.

What do I do? Stinky Fish Head and Huey Lewis are holding my lady friend hostage and I only have two bullets left! How in the world am I going to use these conveniently placed Christmas decorations to save her?

Yeah. That is a gun in my pants. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you...

Where would one buy Hippity-Hops in bulk?

Sh-shot through the heart... AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! Awww, you give love -- a bad name! Daww dawww dada dada dawww dawwww.

I've been besmirched! This besmirchment will not stand!

It's an angel of God. My glorious Bea Arthur--

You should talk. Your costume's so tight you can tell what religion you are. Ever hear of a cup?

Oh, no! He's beating our meat!

Bring me more Pop Rocks and Dr. Pepper. Prepare to bathe my monkeys.

You know what? &@#$ tacos. And waiting. Damn you, Bullseye...damn you for making me hurt the ones I love. This time, it's personal. This time...it's for the tacos.

Shut up! The old Spidey-tracer trick I can't believe you still get away with that.

You mean Tomb? No worries there -- he's been taken to the po-po by some buddies of mine. He's about to do some serious time. I'm talkin' "wearing-a-dress" time.

AHRR! Let's get it on...pirate-style!

I'm gonna join the X-Men.

You're looking at the chihuahua, right? Sometimes I go too far, I'm the first to admit it.

UGH! That was awful...all my thoughts strung together so dreadfully dull and plodding...like some glacially moving freight train of suck! My God...that must be what it's like...to be a total loser like you!

Say Jar Jar Binks is an abomination. Say it!

You know something? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

To me, my guns!

Oh, man. He sure is talking a lot. Got to stay...focused. Boring speech causing...attention...to wane. Yeah, tacos sound good. I like the soft chicken tacos.

So what do you say, boys...? Team up...?

BREAKER! BREAKER! This here's the Big Dee Pee! You copy, good buddy? I'm comin' up on your tail! I'm puttin' the hammer down! I'm catchin' you on the flip-side! WE GOT US A CONVOY!

You don't want to eat me. I irritate the bowel.

Take your stinking paws off him, you damn dirty --

I'll hold your hair back while you puke, cuz that's just the kinda guy I am.

Dude, I had to hack that off to save you from zombie germs. You should totally put me on your Christmas card list.

Hey, Professor Veronica loves me for who I am. She says my scars are a roadmap of a loner's experiences, the rough texture of living!

Attention circus patrons! I have come from another dimension to take your daredevil pooch. He is needed to save many worlds. I know his adventurous spirit is up for the task. Also, I have a crapload of liver treats in my pocket.

Duh! Paper or plastic? Hellooo? You have any idea what plastic bags do to the environment? I'm Al Gore's message of death, bee-yotch!

Deadpools Assemble! No. Wait. That's been done. Huh. What could we call ourselves? What could a corps of Deadpools call a bunch of Deadpools that are all Deadpool at our core? Hmmmmmmmm.

So you know now. He's an evil man. Petting-a-white-cat evil.

Hulkpool love it when a plan come together! Him and Bob go back in time...to kill Deadpool dead!!!

Monstertown. It's like a steampunk shantytown for every nightmare I ever had as a kid.

So we steal some transport, hit the swamp, subdue the alterna-verse zombie version of myself, reunite Shorty with his body, avoid Man-Thing, then hop through the portal and hope it's not on the fritz. What could go wrong?

Tell your partner in crime over there in the truck to come on out. So I can multi-smite.

Ha! Eat that, Hitler!

Oh my God! I FORGOT THE DOG!

My constipated clown-style will always beat your stinky diaper-style.

Got a proposition for ya, Grizz. Think you're gonna like it

We're going to need a new blimp.

This guy's got to be rare, and I'm a friend of the earth...so I'll tranq him, and take him to a brilliant zoologist somewhere who can teach him to eat fruit and chill. ...Maybe learn sign language and get a kitten.

What the hell's a quatloon? Some kind of potato?

Hey, check it out -- they had a bomb in there! So I used it to bomb their asses! Who's the man?

I really find you very attractive. Did I say that out loud?

Wow, you look... really hot with that gun. Wanna go get some tacos with me after I finish killing the rest of these Draculas?

... Just a great big bag of shiny new gold coins. With a dusty claymore in the bottom of it.

By the power of gray sku-- No. Damn it. How do you activate this stupid--

We sort of glazed over something here...this Life Seed, it'll kill him? Are we talking about killing Warren?

So! Logan -- Wolverine -- Weapon letter-x-or-is-it-number-ten?! You have returned to resume our endless battle!

Well...okay, yeah--maybe sometime parts of me are good but there are, like... other parts of me that're, umm...

He's not punking me! Okay... he punked me a little bit. But c'mon! How'm I supposed to do my thing when he's already doin' my thing!

This is why nobody likes me.

O.C.D. -- what was I sayin'? Did you see me displayin' the skills that get the kills for those who're payin' me? Oh, you don't know? See, I'm so good it's freakin' scary! Dealin' out death, the world's greatest mercenary! Huh! Good thing you happened to come across this particular edition -- it's full of information that you're missin', dide! Like what I've endured to provide the audience with entertainment! Listen as I deftly explain it:

Goblins, Trolls and Minotaurs -- oh my! So, this was the angry Elf's idea, but he gets to stay behind? "Oh, we should do the right thing, be good boys, take down the evil Goat!"

Just so you know? This was all my plan, not yours. I used you. You gave me exactly what I wanted. I wanna die.

Here I am. Alive.

Look, for what it's worth, I always hated you. You are a boring, two-dimensional, self-serious relic from the '70s. Oh, and Chuck Brownson called-- he wants everything he ever did back.

Looks like that's a "No." Or maybe he does understand, but he doesn't give a &*%. Hmmm... nah, gonna stick with "Doesn't understand." He is, after all, a monkey.

Hey, here's an idea. How about I kill you?

Here comes DEADPOOL!

Hi, I've got problems with ghosts but I don't know who to call. Sorry, I'm nervous... I haven't seen a doctor in years.

She's just kidding! Of course this has to get violent!

Nope. No more jokes. My name is Wade Wilson. You killed my friend. Prepare to die.

Here comes the Armored Avenger's most intoxicating adventure!

♫ Deadpool-Man! Deadpool-Man! Does whatever Deadpool can! ♫ Makes a plan, any size, catches thieves and makes them die. ♫ Look out! ♫ There goes the Deadpool-Man! ♫

I need you to do me a favor. Find Vetis' boss and make a deal with him.

Yeesh. Is there another Clone Saga going on or something? You've really lost your biting wit, Spidey.

I might be crazy, but I'm not karaaazy.

Well, these look like knockoffs. Speaking of fake and Mandarin, I loved the third Iron--

I don't see The Watcher anywhere, let's assume that nothing important happened. That's always my guide. "No Watcher, no problem."

Come on down, Butler! I'm not a guinea pig anymore! I won't go back! Come on! Get some!

Is this what it's come to? Deadpools killing each other? Such a waste.

This is important! One of them could be my daughter! Please don't let Eleanor be here. Please. Please. Don't be in here.

I miss that other guy. He'd have known just what to say.

Believe it or not, there are worse-tasting parts of me.

Okey-dokey. Usually people hire me to kill someone else.

You should know I'm undefeated against opponents with nose rings.

I don't know what you did to me, but keep your lips to yourself, woman. Or you're gonna make me do something I regret. And that's my job.

What a weird day. I'm having fun, and I haven't killed anybody.

Does it smell like wet dog to you?

Listen, babe, I know we haven't known each other that long, but if there's one thing you don't have to school me on -- it's vampire hobos!

Snakes are nature's Swiss Army knives of murder. You can use them to bite, you can milk the venom out, or in a pinch you can strangle with them! Order your deadly snakes today! Offer not valid in Utah!

I'll come back... When I do, things will have to be different. Better. Things will be better. They'll have to be.

And they lived happily ever after, until a retcon do they part...

Woo-boy! Looks like some dismembered body is getting an upgrade! Four symbiotes! Four big honkin' hankerings to waste Carnage! And here I though split personalities were fun before!

The Hand, the Yakuza... No wonder Wolvie and Ol' Hornhead hate Japan.

That is dumb. And Spider-Man is a champion against dumb! Am I? Let's see, fat guy in a rhino outfit, old man with wings, a variety of goblins, sand that is a person, water that is a person, octopus doctor...I am a champion against dumb!

So far marriage is pretty awesome, and the new crib is like living in a Tim Burton movie.

I think what they're trying to say is... If you strike me down... I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. And also... I am your father.

Hang on, Ellie. I'm coming for you.

C'mere Summer Stage. I maybe would have let you cut my other arm off. But when you start threatening to cut my wife up -- then it gets personal.

I knew it must be bad if you're recruiting me, but that's actually worse than what I thought.

No... No... Can't get beat... By dude with... Arrows...

I can find the way out.

I know he's scared. He's not the only one. This whole crazy event did a number on me... all that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show, but... I simply don't know the meaning of the word. ...and I never will.

I want to ride my Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle!

Hey, Barton! This is how you use a Sky-Cycle! For drive-bys on penthouses! For soaring majestically over this beautiful, filthy city! And for saving your friends!

I'm a man that can regrow anything, including, evidently, a conscience.

Please welcome the "Magic Mike" of the Weapon-X program, the "Alabaster Bastard," the man that's always whipping it out-- Omega Red!

You can really fly her, right? I don't want to star in Paste Pot Down.

I give myself over to this end. I am safe in love. I can live with this finale. If I'm going out, at least I'm taking everyone with me.

Back in 1984, all the big heroes were taken to space for a SECRET WAR – and here's what REALLY happened!

You! You're loving this I bet! You just love that you're the only one with a cool shield, don't you?! Well... you can take that red, white, and blue monstrosity of yours... and shove it straight up your --

Yeah... well... I actually brought you here to maybe heal Mr. Fantastic or even the Hulk... some one with the smarts to think our way out of this... but I guess you're more concerned with your big dumb boy toy. Smoking hot... heroically posed... making the ultimate sacrifice... and I'm still chopped liver to the guy made out of metal.

Did you hear that? He called me an Avenger! I kind of feel like if Dr. Doom calls you an Avenger, you're pretty much an official member of the team!

What's that? I already have a new series? They just killed me!

Come on! Someone has to die for real! I mean, what is this, a Marvel Comic?!

My people will ask you to sign a non-disclosure agreement. You must never divulge that I worked for free.

Time's up! Yes, I said that. I stand by it too.

Y'know, Nate, all four of your fans are going to be very disappointed with this chapter... but at least I know how to give my Chimichangettes what they want!

I've lost my edge. If anything tells you how off-balance I am, it's the simple fact that I'm unarmed. I gave the Mercs everything I could. I'm giving the Avengers everything else. I lost my family and maybe my wife, Whatsherface. I didn't leave enough time for me. I guess that's why I didn't realize until right now... that someone close is playing with me.

It's a time-jumping psycho bunny who needs a villain name. Split Second. I just came up with that. Again.

Oooh, Deadpool, why do you have so many pouches? They're useless... blah, blah, blah -- jumper cables, baby! Link his temporal harness to mine -- give it a power boost -- and depending on how many pages are left in this story, that should be enough to... get us back to where all this started!

I like forbidden, possibly contagious fruit as much as the next guy... but the contract specifically said not to open the crate. Let's wrap it up and make our delivery.

Okay, hand -- if you can hear me, make a fist. We have a lot of people to punch today. Yes! Crap. I'm talking to myself again.

Great! Communication! Okay, just three things! A) Do you think A-Force monitor duty is pants-optional? 2) If you secretly sniffed Doop when he was asleep once, do you need to go to confession? Annnnnd... is your boss Peter Parker an evil genius or just an evil villain? Mostly that last one.

I remember. I finally remember the truth. You killed my family.

You stole my pirate yell! Mother%*&#%$!

Ignorance is my copilot. It's time to cash in on these ill-gotten gains of ours. And what better way to pick the pockets of all these greedy little villains... than an auction?

Hey, kids! Sing with me! ♫ The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. ♫ My fists #$& up Sabertooth's face: pound, pound, pound. ♫ Pound pound pound. ♫ Cats go meow meow meow? ♫ Uh. Don't be a Deadpool, stay in school!

My name's not Wade, it's... it's... @#!%. @#$%&$# Connecticut! Every damn time!

This isn't even my final form, Creed!

Oh, no... you had too much succubus.

I can't keep looking backwards. I'll waste my life. I have too much to look forward to.

You guys should really take a break from all your carnage and mayhem... and come take a look at all this carnage and mayhem!

There are some... uh, I dunno what you would call them -- magic-eating robots attacking Shiklah's Monster Metropolis.

Don't minimize my pain. I'm blind, Daredevil. Look it up. I can't. Because I'm blind.

Yeah, I'm trying to remember... last time was that thing with Spider-Man and Daredevil, right?

No, no, it's nothing like that. I want you all on my Christmas card!

That's my super-power. I'm a pick a path to adventure where every choice ends up in tragedy.

By the power of Laverne and Shirley, help me lose this Squirrel Girly!

You were a fool, Spider-Man! By grafting me to this horse, you've made me stronger, faster, and more powerful that I ever dared dream!

I didn't get my tonsils out! You don't get credit for bringing me to the hospital when it's your fault I'm here! We were supposed to have each other's backs, and you didn't have mine. And you forgot a spoon.

I'm so turned on right now... and seriously terrified of you.

♫ "Just sit right back... you'll hear a tale... a tale of a fateful trip..." ♫ Be honest with me, Scott. Ginger or Mary Ann?

I probably deserve that. If not for today, then something else. Anything else. Everything else. I deserve whatever bad comes my way.

I think I'm in over my head. And theirs. Why don't you put down the frying pan and help me catch the bad guy?

Everybody who hangs out with me ends up getting headless.

A demon is going around decapitating people from my party.

I'm sure a real hero would have something profound to say to you to make you feel better instantly, but... I'm all you got.

I've got all these new abilities, and -- for the moment -- I'm feeling an incredible sense of responsibility... and the desire to commit acts of great violence! My super hero origin is complete!

Doctor Strange, bring in our next contestant!

You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.

Maybe one day we'll meet again... when you're not hung up on somebody else... and I'm not being hunted for sport!

Magic-boy, I don't think you understand this writing comic book stuff! Once you are within the universe you have to follow the rules you've set up!

I'm feeling a little emotionally vulnerable after the Unity Squad imploded, and financially insecure after the Deadpool merchandise slowed down. But I'm trying to keep my chin up.

Hey, pal. You look a little lost... like maybe you need a friend. Don't worry... I'm not talking about me. Sooner or later, I rub everybody the wrong way. But... you never know. You might find what you're looking for inside.

I don't need to quit the team. The Mercs bring in cash. I just need to be in charge again.

You blame me for what you've become -- but you were always a monster!

Funny story, Shiklah -- I actually have been hiding from you -- ...and yet here you are... oh, by the way, I shot your lover in the head again.

So you know you're in a comic book. Your own comic book, even. And you think that gives you special protection. What? Because you're popular? Well, I've never heard of you. Your name is Gwen? I guarantee anyone who doesn't read this thinks you're Gwen Stacy. Do you know who's heard of me?! Everyone.

Fine. I'll G-Moz it for you. Spooky castle. Mad scientist. Monster Juice.

We're accomplishing nothing by sitting here, so I'll scout the premises for Dracula guano.

At the end of the day, this is a Deadpool problem. There's only one way to deal with those. And it looks a lot like this.

Listen to yourself! I'm not letting you throw everything away for this one psychopath!

Okay! Well! That's that.

If I'm going to be serious from now on, I'm going to need a new gimmick, like a gnarly eyepatch, or a fake limp, or a talking Chia Pet.

Because one day we woke up and the world was different. And because... you are different.

Would I lie to you?

Making jokes and maiming crooks. We're back, baby!

You ever hear of the Wade Wilson Special Theory of Merc Motivation?

Hill! Let me fight! Please.

♫ Time cops, time cops, whatcha gonna do when Deadpool comes for you? ♫

So going back to face him last Christmas seems like a bad plan.

⚞SIGH⚟ Sorry, kid, your life is precious... because if I save you, then I can stick it in Logan's stupid hairy face forever.

Rocks beat paper, Screwball. And more importantly, WMDs beat paper. C'mon. Let's go sell these toys to the highest bidder! Daddy needs some new stuffed animals!

You ruined my life. I promise you, I'm gonna ruin yours.

Did you forget the part where they tested her for weapons manufacturing?! If you think I'm going to leave her here, you're more senile than I already thought you were. And I'm crazy!

Well. That shut me up. You're right, of course. And I would probably even date Gambit, but I wouldn't want to make it weird between you and me.

I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but between the enslaved drones upstairs and the Fifty Shades of Grey training room, I'm starting to suspect that S.H.I.E.L.D. might be bad.

Okay, she's not our kid... but she is our responsibility, right? She needs our help... doesn't she?

Now suit up... Honey Badger and Deadpool to the rescue.

My name is Wade Wilson, and I owe you an apology.

I want you to know, I don't just blame you. I also blame me. I should have known better than to trust you as much as I did.

The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.

You hear that, Webs? She gets us.

We're coming with you. He killed our friend, Webs.

Zzz. Avenger... hungry... twenty bucks... that's... that's not how you Deadpool. I'll show you how to Deadpool! I wanna Fresh Start, too.

It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these pissy little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.

This is fun. It's like Tinder, only for killing. Can I download this from the App Store?

If this is the end, then I'm glad I'm at your side, Webs.

Y'know... if you've been in the merc game as long as I have, you've probably heard of the Assassins Guild. Big bad cadre of boogymen who kill for money. They put the "ass" in assassin. "But Deadpool," you might say, "you kill for money, too." True... but unlike the guild here, I have a code.

Aaaaaaaah! I get it. Plausible deniability. The Avengers are not hiring me to kill anyone or anything. Wink, wink, am I right?

Great. I'll be busy getting your secret identity out of Grandpa-pool.

Hm. Something tells me I've wandered into yet another ambush.

So, we're good here, right? No need to send me to jail since me and old-fart me totally redeemed ourselves, saved the day, sold a bunch of comics? All's well that ends well, right? Um, plz?

"But despite all of our super-powers, armor, shields, and other various knick-knacks, the only person on Earth who could stop the mega-puke-o-tron was Deadpool. Which is why we hired him to straight up kill Earth's biggest threat. Five stars. Would merc again."

Not sure if you noticed or not, but I was on something of a self-absorbed monologue there. That kind of narcissism is tough to foster outside of social media. Actually -- where's my phone? I should totally tweet about this. #SurroundedByAssassinsButStillKillingIt

Friends don't suck other friends' souls.

We are the lost ones who have found each other, and we will no longer let this wickedness rule Weirdworld!

I'm beginning to suspect my client didn't tell me everything about Jace.

No one has... ever compared me positively to another person before.

Aw, c'mon, Chally! It ain't like that! Besides, we both know how this is gonna go down.

Dr. Dipson. It's okay. I'm here to help you.

This has been fun. But I've been screwed by everyone here. And it's time to wrap this up.

It's like I said, B.P., there's a rhythm to these super hero team-ups. First, the small misunderstanding. Then, the big fight (which was a tie by the way). So you'd better patch me up quick. Because we both know what happens in issue Vol 1 3.

I know you're feeling hurt right now, and I can't really explain why none of you got any Christmas gifts this year, but all I can tell you is... yes. I will kill Santa Claus!

You want to give me a gift? Help me get through this next short and end the fever-dream journal this maniac calls a comic!

Face it, Panther... I just hit the jackpot.

Let's go see if Silly's intel is correct or if this is some elaborate prank Negasonic is pulling on me.

Does anyone have any idea what is going on?

Thanks, Webs. Way to keep the book All Ages.

The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.

You know what? Keep the damn thing, you old romantic, you. Who knows, maybe it'll work this time!

Wait, did you just call him "Peter"?

Hey, T'Challa? Am I a good person?

This is ridiculous... this guy has snaked six jobs from me in the last two weeks.

Kick him while he's down, eh? I've taught you well, Webs.

Take it from me, the guy they call the Merc with a Mouth... sometimes your best weapon is shutting the &%#$ up so the guy with the healing factor doesn't have time to grow his bones back. Because if that happens... your whole revenge plot is going to last an issue longer than you anticipated.

Right. Okay. First, the fourth wall is the problem. Somehow. Second, the fourth wall used to not be in existence. Until, third, the fourth wall re-appeared... at the same time as the Manipulator. Ergo, the Manipulator... is the fourth wall.

You're letting Weasel boss you around? What kind of revenge plot is this?

Comics solve every problem!

It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these ***** little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.

You're right. Okay, well, bottom line... she asked me if I'd save the planet by going to Australia and defeating the trolls. I was all like, 'Yeah, sure, I guess. Whatever.'

So. What's our stupid, probably suicidal plan?

I'll do what you want, but you gotta do something for me first. Erase my memory again and promise to leave Ellie alone.

I've heard about this kind of immersive therapy before... but to see it in action like this? I really think this is just the kind of thing I need. But I gotta ask... why pick Carnage? He's such a loser. And I'm not really impressed with all this weird added cult crap, either.

So what do you say we skip the Deadpool fighting-the-herd-of-clown-cows scene and go straight to brass tacks. Come on. Pe-ter Quin-cy.

Hey! That was my favorite flamethrower! Had it since grade school. Hell, I even went on to minor in flamethrower in college. Just so you know, though... shooting the $%#& outta repugnant dillbags was my major.

What do you mean it's not free? I'm a king.

Oh great. We've entered the referring to himself in third person part of the battle.

I'm coming home, %$#&! I hope they have a pool.

This is a tie-in event, man. It's go big or go home time!

Well, officer, if you have enough evidence that this man assaulted you, submit that to the district attorney, and... I'm sure a jury will find this man guilty. Especially since I'm representing this man.

Go back to Narnia!

Hey, welcome back to Chapter two of Deadpool's Vertical Comic Jamboree! All me, all chapter long! (What? That's not true? Oh. What he's in it again? *sigh*

I know, right? Really butt-diving into the MU Handbook for some of these turds. A hundred powers and not one of them can make me a chicken parm sub.

I've changed my mind! This is the stupidest plan ever!

I once was the King of Staten Island. But I won't rest until I'm the bastard prince of Krakoa.

You can hand-le this one for both of us, Deathstrike! Gotta go, infested by a parasite and bleeding to death! Thanks have fun byeeeeeee!

WHO DOESN'T WANT SOME OF THIS?

MY NAME IS...LOVEPOOL AND I'M HERE TO HELP YOU GET BOINKED!

Look, I changed my name to Lovepool, but even I know I have to earn that.

I mean, I love my pasta like I love my men, al dente...but this situation is boiling over beyond just limp lasagna.

Many great philosophers have written about love. Simone de Beauvoir. Jean-Paul Sartre. Taylor Swift. And you know what? I think they're all right. Especially Taylor Swift. I feel like she just gets me. Anyway, this time, I think I've finally got it right. If this isn't a love for the ages, it's definitely one for the legal records.

You know what I always say: the best way to get to know someone is to get arrested with them. And so far, it's held true. Flowers? Candlelit dinners? I love that stuff. But you can't argue with holding-cell chemistry. There's something about being confined together in a small space after committing a long list of crimes that just feels... magical. So, yeah, my date with Valentine didn't go as planned. But I wouldn't change a single thing. And we're already planning the next one.

I should have paid more attention during the Atelier's new-assassin orientation, because I have no idea which fancy murderer you are. Someone with illusion magic, projection powers or a very convincing 3D golem printer?

They say life comes at you fast. (Whoever "they" are.) And as far as I can tell, that's true. When I auditioned for the Atelier, I was hoping to score gainful employment, a family of wacky assassins and a date with a certified cutie. Turns out, sometimes an assassin family is a man, his nonbinary bae with needle hands and horns, a salty auntie and their gigantic, meaty dog. I don't know what the future holds. But honestly? I'm ready for it.

People think I'm funny, but you mutants are the real crack-ups. All you do is lose.

I know I said I was busy and unwilling to help... but I couldn't resist a Han Solo redemption arc.

But do you know why everyone is so obsessed with the Multiverse right now? Do you know why it's all the rage? Because... I have a theory.

I love piracy, in all its forms. Avast, matey! Arrrr!

The rat swimming in our water cooler isn't gonna feed itself. I think the best thing for productivity is to get some money in the bank and deal with these guys in issue three or four.

My healing factor--distilled from your healing factor... blessing and a curse. Kept me from dying of cancer... but it also kept me from dying of cancer. Delta didn't bother trying to mess with the healing part... lost cause. He supercharged the cancer. Ten thousand times more virulent... voila. Mortality. The worst parts of me will die, so that... maybe, the better parts'll get @&#% done. I traded time for purpose... and then I screwed it up.

What is this feeling? Is this you realizin' the stakes are high? No... that's not it. I'm not... healing... I know it. The feeling I'm feeling. It's fear.

I call it TWOLEPATHY. We share a nervous system, so we share thoughts. It's science-magic. Shut up. TL;DR--you're royally @&#%@# up. Genetics. Upbringing. Not enough fiber--whatever it is, you got it. So does EVERYONE else on planet @%#$ed... but some mega-douche in a suit doesn't get to decree that we're BROKEN... and he sure as @#%@ couldn't FIX us if we were. That's on US. Fall short. Pass out. Wake up. TRY TO BE BETTER. Repeat, repeat, repeat. That's all we can do... and I don't know ANYONE who's fought as hard to do the work of being a MAN as you have... you're a world-class bastard, yeah... but a good @$#%&@# man. No one decides we're monsters but us.

All I've heard my entire life is to take things seriously. Life. Relationships. My mistakes. And I think you're right. It is time to take things seriously. Confront the hard truths! What went wrong with Valentine--I didn't take it serious. Least not after the honeymoon phase. I pushed my own kid away 'cause I was too afraid she'd turn out like me. But giving up is easy. Anyone can do it! Learning to maintain, to upkeep, that's the real hard part! Old me would run from that. But the new me is going to do right by people. Going to do better. Better! For my girls! You wanna know why? 'Cause being a self-aware zaddy who is there for his alien-wolf daughter and his unkillable human daughter and his underpaid employees is the best thing in the world.

That's it! Symbiotic healing! That's my girl! And now... what do we call ourselves? Deadpool by Night? Crapwolf? No. No, I got it. Here comes... Princess Deadpool!

Die on me again and you're grounded, you hear me?

The time of the X-Cutioner is upon us.

Ellie, please... daddy needs to concentrate before he shoots Spider-Man!

First, love the new suit... second... know this is gonna sound crazy, but... me cutting myself and bleeding onto the other Spider-Man is totally explainable.

It's an angel of God. My glorious Bea Arthur--

Doctor Not Apollo Creed?

See, Cordyceps Jones... he's alien. He's not like you and me. You ever hear about that fungus that takes over ants? It starts out as a spore on the breeze... then it gets into an ant, and it lodges in his teeny tiny little brain. And it grows. And while it's growing, it makes Mr. Ant climb -- higher, right to the top of the nearest plant. Where the fungus can spore again. Doesn't end too well for the ant. And that Cordyceps. He's not a humanoid -- he's a spore. A fungus, taking over host bodies and making them climb, right to the top.

You're self-editing too soon! you're destroying the creative process!

This numbnut calling himself the Human Adaptoid hates all superhumans. So what does he do? He gives himself the powers of one hundred bad guys-- --including the perpetuar cellular regeneration (taken from the gonads of yours truly) to help his body handle all the machismo.

You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.

Dude--No one liked En Sabah Nur! But everyone loves Evan! Evan's that hope that we can all be better. That no matter where we come from, no matter how bad it was or what people expect us to be--nurture can beat nature.

I want to ride my Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle!

His name is Hit-Monkey. He's a hitman. Who's a monkey. You don't believe me. Look around you, dude -- he's real.

I am confused by you morally, psychologically and hormonally. A perfect mind-$%@# trifecta.

That's Lasher... a war dog whose bite is worse than his bark.

Waaaaay more exciting than any other kind of mummy.

Hey, If you looked Ryan Reynolds crossed with a Shar-Pei you'd understand!

Man... I'll never look at a nun with anything but fear in my heart from now on...

The yin to my yang. The peanut to my butter.

All that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now the imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show... I simply don't know the meaning of the word... And I never will.

Not me -- some pansy-face version of me--

Hey... Kid... Dogpool was... well, he was a good dog.

Since you're only slightly less sexy than me, you're obviously in charge of this Motley Crew--

Are you guys seriously a video about this? Everything you need to know is in the story title: Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe! It doesn't get anymore TR;DR than that.

Show off the new bling, people! WE ARE THE DEADPOOL CORPS.

This place is the kick-ass.

You know this is where super heroes go to get eaten by dinosaurs, right?