This page contains a listing of all notable quotes by or about Wade Wilson (Earth-616).
It may not be the definitive list, so please add any important quotations that may be missing, ensuring to cite the original source.
Pages with a quote from this character will automatically be added here along with the quote.
Quotes by Wade Wilson (Earth-616)
I've heard about this kind of immersive therapy before... but to see it in action like this? I really think this is just the kind of thing I need. But I gotta ask... why pick Carnage? He's such a loser. And I'm not really impressed with all this weird added cult crap, either.
- Hey! That was my favorite flamethrower! Had it since grade school. Hell, I even went on to minor in flamethrower in college. Just so you know, though... shooting the $%#& outta repugnant dillbags was my major.
- Now suit up... Honey Badger and Deadpool to the rescue.
- Hey, here's an idea. How about I kill you?
- It's an angel of God. My glorious Bea Arthur--
- Aw, c'mon, Chally! It ain't like that! Besides, we both know how this is gonna go down.
- It's like I said, B.P., there's a rhythm to these super hero team-ups. First, the small misunderstanding. Then, the big fight (which was a tie by the way). So you'd better patch me up quick. Because we both know what happens in issue #3.
- Face it, Panther... I just hit the jackpot.
- Hey, T'Challa? Am I a good person?
- Duh! Paper or plastic? Hellooo? You have any idea what plastic bags do to the environment? I'm Al Gore's message of death, bee-yotch!
- Well if it isn't Nathan Christopher Dayspring Askani'son Summers... or are you just calling yourself Priscilla now?
- Hey. Naked Avengers painted on the side of the pool. This guy's a loser but he's my kind of loser. Where's Sue Richards...? Duh, Invisible
- "This place makes the best Chimichanga on the island. Don't even like Chimichangas all that much. I just love saying it. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga."
- No--wait-- do you have any idea how many STD's I could have?
- Did you ever have one of those lives...?
- Iron Fist is a beautiful Porn nickname.
- ''Rolaids only has seven letters.
- Once, a tragic divide rocked the Stars and Stripes. Civil strife pitched brother against brother. Blue versus Grey. It was a terrible time, blood and guts and everything in very depressing sepia. It was called The War Between The States, but now we call it the Civil War, like we own the title or something...
- I have to pee.
- Well good morning to you, too.
- I don't them. I don't need to. I know who I am. In T-Ray's mixed-up memories--ones that he shared with me--I was wearing my Deadpool costume when he found me. But I didn't become Deadpool until after I left Project X--after I got this healing factor to cure my cancer. After my mom dies of cancer when I was a kid. After my dad died in a barfight because of one of my drunken friends. After I'd been kicked out of the army. Which I'd sighed up for as Wade Winston Wilson. Because that's who I am. And anyone who says differently... is just imagining things.
- Let's try this one more time now that I'm not in a team-up sorta mood!
- Can you send me forward to the time when I was mowing my lawn and my next door neighbor, Mrs. Nowicki, asked if I could rub lotion on her back and I ran and locked myself in the Bathroom? I'd really like a do-over on that one, please.
- Don't you ninja monks ever shower? I mean, what are you... French?
- Doctor Not Apollo Creed?
- '
- Back in 1984, all the big heroes were taken to space for a SECRET WAR – and here's what REALLY happened!
- You! You're loving this I bet! You just love that you're the only one with a cool shield, don't you?! Well... you can take that Red, White, and Blue monstrosity of yours... and shove it straight up your --
- Yeah... well... I actually brought you here to maybe heal Mr. Fantastic or even the Hulk... some one with the smarts to think our way out of this... but I guess you're more concerned with your big dumb boy toy. Smoking hot... heroically posed... making the ultimate sacrifice... and I'm still chopped liver to the guy made out of metal.
- Did you hear that? He called me an Avenger! I kind of feel like if Dr. Doom calls you an Avenger, you're pretty much an official member of the team!
- This is fun. It's like Tinder, only for killing. Can I download this from the App Store?
- Y'know... if you've been in the merc game as long as I have, you've probably heard of the Assassins Guild. Big bad cadre of boogymen who kill for money. They put the "ass" in assassin. "But Deadpool," you might say, "you kill for money, too." True... but unlike the guild here, I have a code.
- Hm. Something tells me I've wandered into yet another ambush.
- Not sure if you noticed or not, but I was on something of a self-absorbed monologue there. That kind of narcissism is tough to foster outside of social media. Actually -- where's my phone? I should totally tweet about this. #SurroundedByAssassinsButStillKillingIt
- Friends don't suck other friends' souls.
- I've got all these new abilities, and -- for the moment -- I'm feeling an incredible sense of responsibility... and the desire to commit acts of great violence! My super hero origin is complete!
- Maybe one day we'll meet again... when you're not hung up on somebody else... and I'm not being hunted for sport!
- Hey, pal. You look a little lost... like maybe you need a friend. Don't worry... I'm not talking about me. Sooner or later, I rub everybody the wrong way. But... you never know. You might find what you're looking for inside.
- At the end of the day, this is a Deadpool problem. There's only one way to deal with those. And it looks a lot like this.
- I don't know what you did to me, but keep your lips to yourself, woman. Or you're gonna make me do something I regret. And that's my job.
- Listen, babe, I know we haven't known each other that long, but if there's one thing you don't have to school me on -- it's vampire hobos!
- C'mere Summer Stage. I maybe would have let you cut my other arm off. But when you start threatening to cut my wife up -- then it gets personal.
- There are some... uh, I dunno what you would call them -- magic-eating robots attacking Shiklah's Monster Metropolis.
- Bring me more Pop Rocks and Dr. Pepper. Prepare to bathe my monkeys.
- So we steal some transport, hit the swamp, subdue the alterna-verse zombie version of myself, reunite Shorty with his body, avoid Man-Thing, then hop through the portal and hope it's not on the fritz. What could go wrong?
- We're going to need a new blimp.
- Say Jar Jar Binks is an abomination. Say it!
- Oh, man. He sure is talking a lot. Got to stay...focused. Boring speech causing...attention...to wane. Yeah, tacos sound good. I like the soft chicken tacos.
- You don't want to eat me. I irritate the bowel.
- Hey, Professor Veronica loves me for who I am. She says my scars are a roadmap of a loner's experiences, the rough texture of living!
- I'm beginning to suspect my client didn't tell me everything about Jace.
- No one has... ever compared me positively to another person before.
- Dr. Dipson. It's okay. I'm here to help you.
- This has been fun. But I've been screwed by everyone here. And it's time to wrap this up.
- You have any idea how hard it is to find a joint that'll serve a guy in a mask and bandolier? They won't even let me into Taco Bell!
- In the immortal words of Clark Whatsisname -- up, up and away!
- Wow. Whaddaya know? Logic stops the Juggernaut!
- Where would one buy Hippity-Hops in bulk?
- It's an angel of God. My glorious Bea Arthur--
- You should talk. Your costume's so tight you can tell what religion you are. Ever hear of a cup?
- Shut up! The old Spidey-tracer trick I can't believe you still get away with that.
- You mean Tomb? No worries there -- he's been taken to the po-po by some buddies of mine. He's about to do some serious time. I'm talkin' "wearing-a-dress" time.
- Come ta think of it -- I've seen tougher KEN dolls than you! An' I mean take yer pick here -- mod-hair Ken -- disco Ken -- summer fun Ken -- I let Barbie whip me 'cos I'm a wuss Ken -- Any o' you guys lissenin' t'me?
- Did he say Jughead-naut? Is that someone who searches for the Archies?
- Edsel, huh? Good name for yer little tank...'cause for all the crud you three just put me through -- I'm gonna make you all obsolete!
- AAAAAAAAGHHH!! Packing chips! That's the greatest weapon on the face of the planet -- styrofoam packing chips! Just imagine getting nailed by some of these babies! Oh the humanity!
- Believe it or not, there are worse-tasting parts of me.
- Snakes are nature's Swiss Army knives of murder. You can use them to bite, you can milk the venom out, or in a pinch you can strangle with them! Order your deadly snakes today! Offer not valid in Utah!
- And they lived happily ever after, until a retcon do they part...
- Okey-dokey. Usually people hire me to kill someone else.
- You should know I'm undefeated against opponents with nose rings.
- I don't know what you did to me, but keep your lips to yourself, woman. Or you're gonna make me do something I regret. And that's my job.
- What a weird day. I'm having fun, and I haven't killed anybody.
- Does it smell like wet dog to you?
- Listen, babe, I know we haven't known each other that long, but if there's one thing you don't have to school me on -- it's vampire hobos!
- You want to hire me?!
- No, no, it's nothing like that. I want you all on my Christmas card!
- By the power of Laverne and Shirley, help me lose this Squirrel Girly!
- ♫ "Just sit right back... you'll hear a tale... a tale of a fateful trip..." ♫ Be honest with me, Scott. Ginger or Mary Ann?
- I think I'm in over my head. And theirs. Why don't you put down the frying pan and help me catch the bad guy?
- Everybody who hangs out with me ends up getting headless.
- A demon is going around decapitating people from my party.
- Doctor Strange, bring in our next contestant!
- No, no, it's nothing like that. I want you all on my Christmas card!
- Everybody who hangs out with me ends up getting headless.
- A demon is going around decapitating people from my party.
- Time's up! Yes, I said that. I stand by it too.
- Y'know, Nate, all four of your fans are going to be very disappointed with this chapter... but at least I know how to give my Chimichangettes what they want!
- It's a time-jumping psycho bunny who needs a villain name. Split Second. I just came up with that. Again.
- Oooh, Deadpool, why do you have so many pouches? They're useless... blah, blah, blah -- jumper cables, baby! Link his temporal harness to mine -- give it a power boost -- and depending on how many pages are left in this story, that should be enough to... get us back to where all this started!
- Y'know, Nate, all four of your fans are going to be very disappointed with this chapter... but at least I know how to give my Chimichangettes what they want!
- Oooh, Deadpool, why do you have so many pouches? They're useless... blah, blah, blah -- jumper cables, baby! Link his temporal harness to mine -- give it a power boost -- and depending on how many pages are left in this story, that should be enough to... get us back to where all this started!
- '
- Ignorance is my copilot. It's time to cash in on these ill-gotten gains of ours. And what better way to pick the pockets of all these greedy little villains... than an auction?
- You guys should really take a break from all your carnage and mayhem... and come take a look at all this carnage and mayhem!
- You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.
- I don't need to quit the team. The Mercs bring in cash. I just need to be in charge again.
- I miss that other guy. He'd have known just what to say.
- That is dumb. And Spider-Man is a champion against dumb! Am I? Let's see, fat guy in a rhino outfit, old man with wings, a variety of goblins, sand that is a person, water that is a person, octopus doctor...I am a champion against dumb!
- So what do you say we skip the Deadpool fighting-the-herd-of-clown-cows scene and go straight to brass tacks. Come on. Pe-ter Quin-cy.
- Show off the new bling, people! WE ARE THE DEADPOOL CORPS.
- By the power of gray sku-- No. Damn it. How do you activate this stupid--
- Oh my God! I FORGOT THE DOG!''
- What the hell's a quatloon? Some Kind of Potato?
- Is this what it's come to? Deadpools killing each other? Such a waste.
- The only thing you're going to be is shish-kabob. And as soon as I find my lungs, I'm taking you back to the Kingpin for supper!
- I really find you very attractive. Did I say that out loud?
- This guy's got to be rare, and I'm a friend of the earth...so I'll tranq him, and take him to a brilliant zoologist somewhere who can teach him to eat fruit and chill. ...Maybe learn sign language and get a kitten.
- Monstertown. It's like a steampunk shantytown for every nightmare I ever had as a kid.
- I'll hold your hair back while you puke, cuz that's just the kinda guy I am.
- BREAKER! BREAKER! This here's the Big Dee Pee! You copy, good buddy? I'm comin' up on your tail! I'm puttin' the hammer down! I'm catchin' you on the flip-side! WE GOT US A CONVOY!
- So what do you say, boys...? Team up...?
- You know something? I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
- UGH! That was awful...all my thoughts strung together so dreadfully dull and plodding...like some glacially moving freight train of suck! My God...that must be what it's like...to be a total loser like you!
- I like forbidden, possibly contagious fruit as much as the next guy... but the contract specifically said not to open the crate. Let's wrap it up and make our delivery.
- Ignorance is my copilot. It's time to cash in on these ill-gotten gains of ours. And what better way to pick the pockets of all these greedy little villains... than an auction?
- This is fun. It's like Tinder, only for killing. Can I download this from the App Store?
- The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.
- You guys should really take a break from all your carnage and mayhem... and come take a look at all this carnage and mayhem!
- I don't need to quit the team. The Mercs bring in cash. I just need to be in charge again.
- I don't need to quit the team. The Mercs bring in cash. I just need to be in charge again.
- It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these ***** little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.
- "Pwangg?" Trees don't go "Pwangg--" Llamas don't go "Pwangg--" Nothing found in nature goes "Pwangg", which means -- we're officially hip deep in the smelly stuff.
- Please, Al, a little warning next time... Some of us aren't blind y'know?
- Shhh. My common sense is tingling.
- "Time to make the donuts! Wait maybe you were expecting me to say spoon...
- Lay off the geriatric jokes will ya?
- My God, I'm not some human scab-factory anymore!
- -- How do you say "Oh, $#@!" in Skrull-ese?
- I've been besmirched! This besmirchment will not stand!
- Oh, no! He's beating our meat!
- You know what? &@#$ tacos. And waiting. Damn you, Bullseye...damn you for making me hurt the ones I love. This time, it's personal. This time...it's for the tacos.
- ''AHRR! Let's get it on...pirate-style!
- I'm gonna join the X-Men.
- Answer me something, Egghead. Was it just because I have an accelerated healing factor that I was able to take down an entire unit of Skrulls -- including Chilly McHotpants over here?
- Take your stinking paws off him, you damn dirty --
- Tell your partner in crime over there in the truck to come on out. So I can multi-smite.
- Got a proposition for ya, Grizz. Think you're gonna like it
- Hey, check it out -- they had a bomb in there! So I used it to bomb their asses! Who's the man?
- These colors don't run. Unless they have to!
- Wow, you look... really hot with that gun. Wanna go get some tacos with me after I finish killing the rest of these Draculas?
- ... Just a great big bag of shiny new gold coins. With a dusty claymore in the bottom of it.
- Wait...why is it called "Point One"? Who Cares? At least this issue there is a point.
- Now this chair is really comfortable. Yeah. But can it Explode?! Didn't think so.
- He's not punking me! Okay... he punked me a little bit. But c'mon! How'm I supposed to do my thing when he's already doin' my thing!
- O.C.D. -- what was I sayin'? Did you see me displayin' the skills that get the kills for those who're payin' me? Oh, you don't know? See, I'm so good it's freakin' scary! Dealin' out death, the world's greatest mercenary! Huh! Good thing you happened to come across this particular edition -- it's full of information that you're missin', dide! Like what I've endured to provide the audience with entertainment! Listen as I deftly explain it:
- Just so you know? This was all my plan, not yours. I used you. You gave me exactly what I wanted. I wanna die.
- Here I am. Alive.
- Looks like that's a "No." Or maybe he does understand, but he doesn't give a &*%. Hmmm... nah, gonna stick with "Doesn't understand." He is, after all, a monkey.
- What do I do? Stinky Fish Head and Huey Lewis are holding my lady friend hostage and I only have two bullets left! How in the world am I going to use these conveniently placed Christmas decorations to save her?
- Yeah. That is a gun in my pants. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy to see you...
- You're looking at the chihuahua, right? Sometimes I go too far, I'm the first to admit it.
- Here comes DEADPOOL!
- Yeesh. Is there another Clone Saga going on or something? You've really lost your biting wit, Spidey.
- I might be crazy, but I'm not karaaazy.
- Well, these look like knockoffs. Speaking of fake and Mandarin, I loved the third Iron--
- I don't see The Watcher anywhere, let's assume that nothing important happened. That's always my guide. "No Watcher, no problem."
- Come on down, Butler! I'm not a guinea pig anymore! I won't go back! Come on! Get some!
- This is important! One of them could be my daughter! Please don't let Eleanor be here. Please. Please. Don't be in here.
- Hi, I've got problems with ghosts but I don't know who to call. Sorry, I'm nervous... I haven't seen a doctor in years.
- I'll come back... When I do, things will have to be different. Better. Things will be better. They'll have to be.
- The Hand, the Yakuza... No wonder Wolvie and Ol' Hornhead hate Japan.
- So far marriage is pretty awesome, and the new crib is like living in a Tim Burton movie.
- She's just kidding! Of course this has to get violent!
- Hang on, Ellie. I'm coming for you.
- I knew it must be bad if you're recruiting me, but that's actually worse than what I thought.
- I can find the way out.
- I know he's scared. He's not the only one. This whole crazy event did a number one me... all that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show, but... I simply don't know the meaning of the word. ...and I never will.
- I'm a man that can regrow anything, including, evidently, a conscience.
- Please welcome the "Magic Mike" of the Weapon-X program, the "Alabaster Bastard," the man that's always whipping it out-- Omega Red!
- You can really fly her, right? I don't want to star in Paste Pot Down.
- I give myself over to this end. I am safe in love. I can live with this finale. If I'm going out, at least I'm taking everyone with me.
- Nope. No more jokes. My name is Wade Wilson. You killed my friend. Prepare to die.
- Here comes the Armored Avenger's most intoxicating adventure!
- ♫ Deadpool-Man! Deadpool-Man! Does whatever Deadpool can! ♫ Makes a plan, any size, catches thieves and makes them die. ♫ Look out! ♫ There goes the Deadpool-Man! ♫
- I need you to do me a favor. Find Vetis' boss and make a deal with him.
- My people will ask you to sign a non-disclosure agreement. You must never divulge that I worked for free.
- This isn't even my final form, Creed!
- I can't keep looking backwards. I'll waste my life. I have too much to look forward to.
- Don't minimize my pain. I'm blind, Daredevil. Look it up. I can't. Because I'm blind.
- That's my super-power. I'm a pick a path to adventure where every choice ends up in tragedy.
- I probably deserve that. If not for today, then something else. Anything else. Everything else. I deserve whatever bad comes my way.
- I'm sure a real hero would have something profound to say to you to make you feel better instantly, but... I'm all you got.
- I'm feeling a little emotionally vulnerable after the Unity Squad imploded, and financially insecure after the Deadpool merchandise slowed down. But I'm trying to keep my chin up.
- You blame me for what you've become -- but you were always a monster!
- I've lost my edge. If anything tells you how off-balance I am, it's the simple fact that I'm unarmed. I gave the Mercs everything I could. I'm giving the Avengers everything else. I lost my family and maybe my wife, Whatsherface. I didn't leave enough time for me. I guess that's why I didn't realize until right now... that someone close is playing with me.
- Because one day we woke up and the world was different. And because... you are different.
- Would I lie to you?
- Hill! Let me fight! Please.
- Okay, hand -- if you can hear me, make a fist. We have a lot of people to punch today. Yes! Crap. I'm talking to myself again.
- I remember. I finally remember the truth. You killed my family.
- Hey, kids! Sing with me! ♫ The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. ♫ My fists #$& up Sabertooth's face: pound, pound, pound. ♫ Pound pound pound. ♫ Cats go meow meow meow? ♫ Uh. Don't be a Deadpool, stay in school!
- It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these pissy little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.
- This is ridiculous... this guy has snaked six jobs from me in the last two weeks.
- Take it from me, the guy they call the Merc with a Mouth... sometimes your best weapon is shutting the &%#$ up so the guy with the healing factor doesn't have time to grow his bones back. Because if that happens... your whole revenge plot is going to last an issue longer than you anticipated.
- You're letting Weasel boss you around? What kind of revenge plot is this?
- You're right. Okay, well, bottom line... she asked me if I'd save the planet by going to Australia and defeating the trolls. I was all like, 'Yeah, sure, I guess. Whatever.'
- I'll do what you want, but you gotta do something for me first. Erase my memory again and promise to leave Ellie alone.
- Aaaaaaaah! I get it. Plausible deniability. The Avengers are not hiring me to kill anyone or anything. Wink, wink, am I right?
- "But despite all of our super-powers, armor, shields, and other various knick-knacks, the only person on Earth who could stop the mega-puke-o-tron was Deadpool. Which is why we hired him to straight up kill Earth's biggest threat. Five stars. Would merc again."
- We are the lost ones who have found each other, and we will no longer let this wickedness rule Weirdworld!
- I know you're feeling hurt right now, and I can't really explain why none of you got any Christmas gifts this year, but all I can tell you is... yes. I will kill Santa Claus!
- Let's go see if Silly's intel is correct or if this is some elaborate prank Negasonic is pulling on me.
- You know what? Keep the damn thing, you old romantic, you. Who knows, maybe it'll work this time!
- Yeah, I'm trying to remember... last time was that thing with Spider-Man and Daredevil, right?
- I didn't get my tonsils out! You don't get credit for bringing me to the hospital when it's your fault I'm here! We were supposed to have each other's backs, and you didn't have mine. And you forgot a spoon.
- Woo-boy! Looks like some dismembered body is getting an upgrade! Four symbiotes! Four big honkin' hankerings to waste Carnage! And here I though split personalities were fun before!
- I think what they're trying to say is... If you strike me down... I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. And also... I am your father.
- ⚞SIGH⚟ Sorry, kid, your life is precious... because if I save you, then I can stick it in Logan's stupid hairy face forever.
- Ooops. Sorry. Don't ruin this, Wade, you've always wanted to say this... snuckt! Dammit! I mean, snickt!
- Did you forget the part where they tested her for weapons manufacturing?! If you think I'm going to leave her here, you're more senile than I already thought you were. And I'm crazy!
- Okay, she's not our kid... but she is our responsibility, right? She needs our help... doesn't she?
- Come on! Someone has to die for real! I mean, what is this, a Marvel Comic?!
- Okay! Well! That's that.
- Am I about to help my friend, or become my tormentor? I have to sit and think it over for a while.
- ♫ Time cops, time cops, whatcha gonna do when Deadpool comes for you? ♫
- So going back to face him last Christmas seems like a bad plan.
- You ruined my life. I promise you, I'm gonna ruin yours.
- Well. That shut me up. You're right, of course. And I would probably even date Gambit, but I wouldn't want to make it weird between you and me.
- My name is Wade Wilson, and I owe you an apology.
- I want you to know, I don't just blame you. I also blame me. I should have known better than to trust you as much as I did.
- The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.
- Zzz. Avenger... hungry... twenty bucks... that's... that's not how you Deadpool. I'll show you how to Deadpool! I wanna Fresh Start, too.
- So. What's our stupid, probably suicidal plan?
- You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.
- Dude--No one liked En Sabah Nur! But everyone loves Evan! Evan's that hope that we can all be better. That no matter where we come from, no matter how bad it was or what people expect us to be--nurture can beat nature.
- I want to ride my Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle!
- No... No... Can't get beat... By dude with... Arrows...
- I want to ride my Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle, Sky-Cycle!
- Hey, Barton! This is how you use a Sky-Cycle! For drive-bys on penthouses! For soaring majestically over this beautiful, filthy city! And for saving your friends!
- His name is Hit-Monkey. He's a hitman. Who's a monkey. You don't believe me. Look around you, dude -- he's real.
- Ha! Eat that, Hitler!
- I am confused by you morally, psychologically and hormonally. A perfect mind-$%@# trifecta.
- It's big. The big nothing. A nothing of forever. A place God's hands have never touched. Outside of space. Outside of the universe... outside of Eternity.
- That's Lasher... a war dog whose bite is worse than his bark.
- Are you guys seriously a video about this? Everything you need to know is in the story title: Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe! It doesn't get anymore TR;DR than that.
- What's that? I already have a new series? They just killed me!
- Waaaaay more exciting than any kind of mummy.
- Dude, I had to hack that off to save you from zombie germs. You should totally put me on your Christmas card list.
- Attention circus patrons! I have come from another dimension to take your daredevil pooch. He is needed to save many worlds. I know his adventurous spirit is up for the task. Also, I have a crapload of liver treats in my pocket.
- Deadpools Assemble! No. Wait. That's been done. Huh. What could we call ourselves? What could a corps of Deadpools call a bunch of Deadpools that are all Deadpool at our core? Hmmmmmmmm.
- You ever hear of the Wade Wilson Special Theory of Merc Motivation?
- Hey, If you looked Ryan Reynolds crossed with a Shar-Pei you'd understand!
- You know this is where super heroes go to get eaten by Dinosaurs, right?
- You want to give me a gift? Help me get through this next short and end the fever-dream journal this maniac calls a comic!
- Man... I'll never look at a nun with anything but fear in my heart from now on...
- Magic-boy, I don't think you understand this writing comic book stuff! Once you are within the universe you have to follow the rules you've set up!
- Funny story, Shiklah -- I actually have been hiding from you -- ...and yet here you are... oh, by the way, I shot your lover in the head again.
- We're accomplishing nothing by sitting here, so I'll scout the premises for Dracula guano.
- Listen to yourself! I'm not letting you throw everything away for this one psychopath!
- If I'm going to be serious from now on, I'm going to need a new gimmick, like a gnarly eyepatch, or a fake limp, or a talking Chia Pet.
- Great! Communication! Okay, just three things! A) Do you think A-Force monitor duty is pants-optional? 2) If you secretly sniffed Doop when he was asleep once, do you need to go to confession? Annnnnd... is your boss Peter Parker an evil genius or just an evil villain? Mostly that last one.
- Making jokes and maiming crooks. We're back, baby!
- Rocks beat paper, Screwball. And more importantly, WMDs beat paper. C'mon. Let's go sell these toys to the highest bidder! Daddy needs some new stuffed animals!
- I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but between the enslaved drones upstairs and the Fifty Shades of Grey training room, I'm starting to suspect that S.H.I.E.L.D. might be bad.
- You stole my pirate yell! Mother%*&#%$!
- You hear that, Webs? She gets us.
- We're coming with you. He killed our friend, Webs.
- If this is the end, then I'm glad I'm at your side, Webs.
- Great. I'll be busy getting your secret identity out of Grandpa-pool.
- So, we're good here, right? No need to send me to jail since me and old-fart me totally redeemed ourselves, saved the day, sold a bunch of comics? All's well that ends well, right? Um, plz?
- Oh, no... you had too much succubus.
- Does anyone have any idea what is going on?
- Thanks, Webs. Way to keep the book All Ages.
- Wait, did you just call him "Peter"?
- Kick him while he's down, eh? I've taught you well, Webs.
- Right. Okay. First, the fourth wall is the problem. Somehow. Second, the fourth wall used to not be in existence. Until, third, the fourth wall re-appeared... at the same time as the Manipulator. Ergo, the Manipulator... is the fourth wall.
- Comics solve every problem!
- You were a fool, Spider-Man! By grafting me to this horse, you've made me stronger, faster, and more powerful that I ever dared dream!
- I'm so turned on right now... and seriously terrified of you.
- Sh-shot through the heart...AND YOU'RE TO BLAME! Awww, you give love -- a bad name! Daww dawww dada dada dawww dawwww.
- Fine. I'll G-Moz it for you. Spooky castle. Mad scientist. Monster Juice.
- So you know you're in a comic book. Your own comic book, even. And you think that gives you special protection. What? Because you're popular? Well, I've never heard of you. Your name is Gwen? I guarantee anyone who doesn't read this thinks you're Gwen Stacy. Do you know who's heard of me?! Everyone.
- My name's not Wade, it's... it's... @#!%. @#$%&$# Connecticut! Every damn time!
- We sort of glazed over something here...this Life Seed, it'll kill him? Are we talking about killing Warren?
- Look, for what it's worth, I always hated you. You are a boring, two-dimensional, self-serious relic from the '70s. Oh, and Chuck Brownson called-- he wants everything he ever did back.
- So you know now. He's an evil man. Petting-a-white-cat evil.
- My constipated clown-style will always beat your stinky diaper-style.
- Hey... Kid... Dogpool was... well, he was a good dog.
- Not me -- some pansy-face version of me--
- All that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now the imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show... I simply don't know the meaning of the word... And I never will.
- Since you're only slightly less sexy than me, you're obviously in charge of this Motley Crew--
- If you're not Black Cat, then I'm done. But first -- The Olsen Twins: Good? Evil? Or part of the elaborate C.I.A. plot?
- "Let's Play." "Game Over." You've got more corn in your one-liners than I have in my poop after the county fair!
- Me? I'm Deadpool, "The Merc with a Mouth." Good shots and bad jokes--that's me. You're Wolverine, the berserker wildman of the woods. You're the best at what you do and what you do isn't pretty. Now, that means you kill people, right? Right? That's you.
- So! Logan -- Wolverine -- Weapon letter-x-or-is-it-number-ten?! You have returned to resume our endless battle!
- Yeah, well -- things change. I mean, c'mon! We've knocked noggins enough for you to know that trying to figure me out is like trying to predict the migrating habits of Africanized bees! It's like -- you can do it -- but somebody's always gonna get stung!
- Nobody steals my girl and gets away with it.
- Hulkpool love it when a plan come together! Him and Bob go back in time...to kill Deadpool dead!!!
- To me, my guns!
- What's goin' on here, woman?
- Tell 'em time and time again -- keep your mouth shut -- but women, you know? They-just-don't-listen!
- ...so, a guys goes to a doctor and says -- "Doctor, it hurts when I do" -- "this!"
Conversations with Wade Wilson (Earth-616)
 Spider-Man |
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 Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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 Weasel |
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Deadpool |
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 Cannonball |
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Deadpool |
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 Cable |
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Deadpool |
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Cable |
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Deadpool |
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Cable |
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Spider-Man |
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Deadpool |
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 Citizen V |
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Citizen V |
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Deadpool |
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Citizen V |
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Deadpool |
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Citizen V |
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Deadpool |
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Cable |
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Deadpool |
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Cable |
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Deadpool |
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Cable |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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Deapool |
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Deadpool |
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 Daredevil |
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Deadpool |
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Daredevil |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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 Headpool |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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 Kidpool |
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 Hawkeye |
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Deadpool |
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 Bullseye |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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 Ghost Rider |
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Deadpool |
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Ghost Rider |
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Deadpool |
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Ghost Rider |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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 Wolverine |
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Deadpool Deadpool shoots Wolverine |
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Taskmaster |
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Deadpool |
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Taskmaster |
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Deadpool |
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Taskmaster |
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Deadpool |
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 Tiger Shark |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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 Evil Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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 Deadpool's inner voice |
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Deadpool |
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 Norman Osborn |
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Deadpool |
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 Captain America |
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Wolverine |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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 Preston |
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Preston |
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Preston |
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Deadpool |
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 Agent Adsit |
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Deadpool |
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Agent Adsit |
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Deadpool |
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 Shiklah |
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Deadpool |
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 Joshua Utler |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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 Ororo Munroe |
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Deadpool |
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 Deadpool |
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 Omega Red |
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Deadpool |
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 Ronald Reagan zombie |
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Deadpool |
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 Carnage |
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Deadpool |
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Carnage |
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Deadpool |
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Hawkeye |
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Deadpool |
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 Hawkeye |
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Deadpool |
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Hawkeye |
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Deadpool |
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 Luke Cage |
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Deadpool |
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Deadpool |
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Spider-Man |
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 Rogue |
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Deadpool |
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Rogue |
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 Doctor Voodoo |
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Deadpool |
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 Deadpool |
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Fantomex |
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Wolverine |
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