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Dude--No one liked En Sabah Nur! But everyone loves Evan! Evan's that hope that we can all be better. That no matter where we come from, no matter how bad it was or what people expect us to be--nurture can beat nature.
It's big. The big nothing. A nothing of forever. A place God's hands have never touched. Outside of space. Outside of the universe... outside of Eternity.
You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.
Hey, kids! Sing with me! ♫ The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. ♫ My fists #$& up Sabertooth's face: pound, pound, pound. ♫ Pound pound pound. ♫ Cats go meow meow meow? ♫ Uh. Don't be a Deadpool, stay in school!
UGH! That was awful...all my thoughts strung together so dreadfully dull and plodding...like some glacially moving freight train of suck! My God...that must be what it's like...to be a total loser like you!
Did you forget the part where they tested her for weapons manufacturing?! If you think I'm going to leave her here, you're more senile than I already thought you were. And I'm crazy!
I don't want to jump to conclusions here, but between the enslaved drones upstairs and the Fifty Shades of Grey training room, I'm starting to suspect that S.H.I.E.L.D. might be bad.
It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these ***** little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.
You know what? &@#$ tacos. And waiting. Damn you, Bullseye...damn you for making me hurt the ones I love. This time, it's personal. This time...it's for the tacos.
Look, for what it's worth, I always hated you. You are a boring, two-dimensional, self-serious relic from the '70s. Oh, and Chuck Brownson called-- he wants everything he ever did back.
I think what they're trying to say is... If you strike me down... I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine. And also... I am your father.
Didn't anyone tell you? I'm a riddle, dude. I eat the uncertainty principle for breakfast -- I was born the original loose cannon -- and I am one unpredictable feather-pluckin' walrus! Koo-koo-ka-freakin'-Choo!
Come ta think of it -- I've seen tougher Ken dolls than you! An' I mean take yer pick here -- mod-hair Ken -- disco Ken -- summer fun Ken -- I let Barbie whip me 'cos I'm a wuss Ken -- Any o' you guys lissenin' t'me?
AAAAAAAAGHHH!! Packing chips! That's the greatest weapon on the face of the planet -- styrofoam packing chips! Just imagine getting nailed by some of these babies! Oh the humanity!
"Pwangg?" Trees don't go "Pwangg--" Llamas don't go "Pwangg--" Nothing found in nature goes "Pwangg", which means -- we're officially hip deep in the smelly stuff.
Yeah, well -- things change. I mean, c'mon! We've knocked noggins enough for you to know that trying to figure me out is like trying to predict the migrating habits of Africanized bees! It's like -- you can do it -- but somebody's always gonna get stung!
So we steal some transport, hit the swamp, subdue the alterna-verse zombie version of myself, reunite Shorty with his body, avoid Man-Thing, then hop through the portal and hope it's not on the fritz. What could go wrong?
O.C.D. -- what was I sayin'? Did you see me displayin' the skills that get the kills for those who're payin' me? Oh, you don't know? See, I'm so good it's freakin' scary! Dealin' out death, the world's greatest mercenary! Huh! Good thing you happened to come across this particular edition -- it's full of information that you're missin', dide! Like what I've endured to provide the audience with entertainment! Listen as I deftly explain it:
I've got all these new abilities, and -- for the moment -- I'm feeling an incredible sense of responsibility... and the desire to commit acts of great violence! My super hero origin is complete!
So you know you're in a comic book. Your own comic book, even. And you think that gives you special protection. What? Because you're popular? Well, I've never heard of you. Your name is Gwen? I guarantee anyone who doesn't read this thinks you're Gwen Stacy. Do you know who's heard of me?! Everyone.
Looks like that's a "No." Or maybe he does understand, but he doesn't give a &*%. Hmmm... nah, gonna stick with "Doesn't understand."He is, after all, a monkey.
Ignorance is my copilot. It's time to cash in on these ill-gotten gains of ours. And what better way to pick the pockets of all these greedy little villains... than an auction?
Take it from me, the guy they call the Merc with a Mouth... sometimes your best weapon is shutting the &%#$ up so the guy with the healing factor doesn't have time to grow his bones back. Because if that happens... your whole revenge plot is going to last an issue longer than you anticipated.
Woo-boy! Looks like some dismembered body is getting an upgrade! Four symbiotes! Four big honkin' hankerings to waste Carnage! And here I though split personalities were fun before!
I know he's scared. He's not the only one. This whole crazy event did a number one me... all that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show, but... I simply don't know the meaning of the word. ...and I never will.
Once, a tragic divide rocked the Stars and Stripes. Civil strife pitched brother against brother. Blue versus Grey. It was a terrible time, blood and guts and everything in very depressing sepia. It was called The War Between The States, but now we call it the Civil War, like we own the title or something...
You! You're loving this I bet! You just love that you're the only one with a cool shield, don't you?! Well... you can take that red, white, and blue monstrosity of yours... and shove it straight up your --
Yeah... well... I actually brought you here to maybe heal Mr. Fantastic or even the Hulk... some one with the smarts to think our way out of this... but I guess you're more concerned with your big dumb boy toy. Smoking hot... heroically posed... making the ultimate sacrifice... and I'm still chopped liver to the guy made out of metal.
Snakes are nature's Swiss Army knives of murder. You can use them to bite, you can milk the venom out, or in a pinch you can strangle with them! Order your deadly snakes today! Offer not valid in Utah!
Y'know, Nate, all four of your fans are going to be very disappointed with this chapter... but at least I know how to give my Chimichangettes what they want!
Great! Communication! Okay, just three things! A) Do you think A-Force monitor duty is pants-optional? 2) If you secretly sniffed Doop when he was asleep once, do you need to go to confession? Annnnnd... is your boss Peter Parker an evil genius or just an evil villain? Mostly that last one.
Oooh, Deadpool, why do you have so many pouches? They're useless... blah, blah, blah -- jumper cables, baby! Link histemporal harness to mine -- give it a power boost -- and depending on how many pages are left in this story, that should be enough to... get us back to where all this started!
Y'know, Nate, all four of your fans are going to be very disappointed with this chapter... but at least I know how to give my Chimichangettes what they want!
Oooh, Deadpool, why do you have so many pouches? They're useless... blah, blah, blah -- jumper cables, baby! Link histemporal harness to mine -- give it a power boost -- and depending on how many pages are left in this story, that should be enough to... get us back to where all this started!
I don't them. I don't need to. I know who I am. In T-Ray's mixed-up memories--ones that he shared with me--I was wearing my Deadpool costume when he found me. But I didn't become Deadpool until after I left Project X--after I got this healing factor to cure my cancer. After my mom dies of cancer when I was a kid. After my dad died in a barfight because of one of my drunken friends. After I'd been kicked out of the army. Which I'd sighed up for as Wade Winston Wilson. Because that's who I am. And anyone who says differently... is just imagining things.
Can you send me forward to the time when I was mowing my lawn and my next door neighbor, Mrs. Nowicki, asked if I could rub lotion on her back and I ran and locked myself in the Bathroom? I'd really like a do-over on that one, please.
Me? I'm Deadpool, "The Merc with a Mouth." Good shots and bad jokes--that's me. You're Wolverine, the berserker wildman of the woods. You're the best at what you do and what you do isn't pretty. Now, that means you kill people, right? Right? That's you.
I didn't get my tonsils out! You don't get credit for bringing me to the hospital when it's your fault I'm here! We were supposed to have each other's backs, and you didn't have mine. And you forgot a spoon.
I'm feeling a little emotionally vulnerable after the Unity Squad imploded, and financially insecure after the Deadpool merchandise slowed down. But I'm trying to keep my chin up.
You're like a girl version of that old Spidey villain, right? I ask because... You know... If there are more girl Spidey-villains, I have this great idea for a Sinister Six calendar.
Hey, pal. You look a little lost... like maybe you need a friend. Don't worry... I'm not talking about me. Sooner or later, I rub everybody the wrong way. But... you never know. You might find what you're looking for inside.
Are you guys seriously a video about this? Everything you need to know is in the story title: Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe! It doesn't get anymore TR;DR than that.
Answer me something, Egghead. Was it just because I have an accelerated healing factor that I was able to take down an entire unit of Skrulls -- including Chilly McHotpants over here?
Rocks beat paper, Screwball. And more importantly, WMDs beat paper. C'mon. Let's go sell these toys to the highest bidder! Daddy needs some new stuffed animals!
What do I do? Stinky Fish Head and Huey Lewis are holding my lady friend hostage and I only have two bullets left! How in the world am I going to use these conveniently placed Christmas decorations to save her?
♫ Deadpool-Man! Deadpool-Man! Does whatever Deadpool can! ♫ Makes a plan, any size, catches thieves and makes them die. ♫ Look out! ♫ There goes the Deadpool-Man! ♫
I've lost my edge. If anything tells you how off-balance I am, it's the simple fact that I'm unarmed. I gave the Mercs everything I could. I'm giving the Avengers everything else. I lost my family and maybe my wife, Whatsherface. I didn't leave enough time for me. I guess that's why I didn't realize until right now... that someone close is playing with me.
The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.
It's these small-time petty jobs I'm getting. I'm hazy from the memory wipe, but I know I'm better than mercing out lame extras from Sons of Anarchy. I'm Dead-#@%$-pool! I need to let these &#@!$ know I'm back in the merc game, and these pissy little jobs aren't cutting it. I need something... I don't know... bigger.
Y'know... if you've been in the merc game as long as I have, you've probably heard of the Assassins Guild. Big bad cadre of boogymen who kill for money. They put the "ass" in assassin. "But Deadpool," you might say, "you kill for money, too." True... but unlike the guild here, I have a code.
So, we're good here, right? No need to send me to jail since me and old-fart metotally redeemed ourselves, saved the day, sold a bunch of comics? All's well that ends well, right? Um, plz?
"But despite all of our super-powers, armor, shields, and other various knick-knacks, the only person on Earth who could stop the mega-puke-o-tron was Deadpool. Which is why we hired him to straight up kill Earth's biggest threat. Five stars. Would merc again."
Not sure if you noticed or not, but I was on something of a self-absorbed monologue there. That kind of narcissism is tough to foster outside of social media. Actually -- where's my phone? I should totally tweet about this. #SurroundedByAssassinsButStillKillingIt
It's like I said,B.P., there's a rhythm to these super hero team-ups. First, the small misunderstanding. Then, the big fight (which was a tie by the way). So you'd better patch me up quick. Because we both know what happens in issue #3.
I know you're feeling hurt right now, and I can't really explain why none of you got any Christmas gifts this year, but all I can tell you is... yes. I will kill Santa Claus!
I like forbidden, possibly contagious fruit as much as the next guy... but the contract specifically said not to open the crate. Let's wrap it up and make our delivery.
Ignorance is my copilot. It's time to cash in on these ill-gotten gains of ours. And what better way to pick the pockets of all these greedy little villains... than an auction?
You mean Tomb? No worries there -- he's been taken to the po-po by some buddies of mine. He's about to do some serious time. I'm talkin' "wearing-a-dress" time.
The names's Pool... Deadpool. I'm here to gamble too, except I hate leaving anything to chance so I'm going to just take 20 million out of the cage and gamble that I don't have to kill anybody. And if I have to kill anybody -- I'm killing everybody.
Right. Okay. First, the fourth wallis the problem. Somehow. Second, the fourth wall used to not be in existence. Until, third, the fourth wall re-appeared... at the same time as the Manipulator. Ergo, the Manipulator... is the fourth wall.
Oh, man. He sure is talking a lot. Got to stay...focused. Boring speech causing...attention...to wane. Yeah, tacos sound good. I like the soft chicken tacos.
You're right. Okay, well, bottom line... she asked me if I'd save the planet by going to Australia and defeating the trolls. I was all like, 'Yeah, sure, I guess. Whatever.'
BREAKER! BREAKER! This here's the Big Dee Pee! You copy, good buddy? I'm comin' up on your tail! I'm puttin' the hammer down! I'm catchin' you on the flip-side! WE GOT US A CONVOY!
I've heard about this kind of immersive therapy before... but to see it in action like this? I really think this is just the kind of thing I need. But I gotta ask... why pick Carnage? He's such a loser. And I'm not really impressed with all this weird added cult crap, either.
Attention circus patrons! I have come from another dimension to take your daredevil pooch. He is needed to save many worlds. I know his adventurous spirit is up for the task. Also, I have a crapload of liver treats in my pocket.
Hey! That was my favorite flamethrower! Had it since grade school. Hell, I even went on to minor in flamethrower in college. Just so you know, though... shooting the $%#& outta repugnant dillbags was my major.
Deadpools Assemble! No. Wait. That's been done. Huh. What could we call ourselves? What could a corps of Deadpools call a bunch of Deadpools that are all Deadpool at our core? Hmmmmmmmm.
This guy's got to be rare, and I'm a friend of the earth...so I'll tranq him, and take him to a brilliant zoologist somewhere who can teach him to eat fruit and chill. ...Maybe learn sign language and get a kitten.
All that peace I felt is gone. I ruin it because I can. Because it's easy. I've fought for Preston. For the Camachos. I've fought for my friends. I've tried to make these people not just safe, but happy. I didn't go looking for these people. They walked into my life. And now the imbalance is restored. I've fought for the happiness of everyone around me. I've been willing to die for that happiness. I now realize I've never experienced happiness. I put on a good show... I simply don't know the meaning of the word... And I never will.
Use your ears and your brain for just a moment. You think I killed your family. I did not. I don't know why I care so much that you believe me, but I do. Actually, I do know why I want you to believe me. We're a lot alike. They poked us, they prodded us, and they turned us into animals for their own designs. I know how confusing it is to live with the garbage they put in your head. Everything changed for me after I made the realization that I wasn't the animal. The doctors that made us are the animals.
Because I had help, too. I was made to realize that we're not responsible for the power they gave us, but we damn well better be responsible for how we use it. I used it to spend my life making innocent people pay for what was done to me. I didn't want to live like that anymore.
Foul! Foul!!! That was low. Really low. You leave me no choice...but to hit you the mutha of all yo' mutha jokes! Yo' Mamma-Geddon. I busted this one out in the fourth grade. Reduced a gym teacher...a Marine...into a quivering mess of jelly. He never taught again. The second time. In eighth. A girl's pancreas ruptured. She never taught to begin with. And now she can't eat sugar either. I spent the rest of my life refining this crack...Hand-crafting each word...Distilling it into the single most devastating diss ever uttered. I sold it to the Mossad Training Corps...Though I admit, it doesn't work the same in Hebrew. People just bite off their own tongues. But in English. The three people that heard it were so shattered they all died within twenty-four hours...Dehydration from crying. That's a lot of tears, bro.
I promised my brother I would protect Ellie from you... but I realized he was the bigger threat to her. I kept her safe from this #$%& world... now that's your job. I hope my brother was wrong about you. On your life, do you promise to...
First Johnny flies away, and then Quicksilver runs off. Rogers asked me to quarterback this squad. Would they treat him like this? Is it 'cause I'm a woman?
For hundreds of years, mutants fought for equality, humans for survival of their species. Hundreds more as the last vestiges of humanity fought us for freedom. Hundreds more as mutants fought each other...
Feeling's mutual. And P.S., I didn't do much. You just finally got it through your thick skull... you're a good guy. Good guys stick together. Nothing's gonna change that.
No way! You know how much I could get for a real Iron Man breast plate on eBay? Let's just use the time to come up with more jokes about Osborn's hair, okay?
Sorry for the delay. I was kissing my girlfriend goodbye. You know how it is with girlfriends. I sure hope I don't get obliterated on this mission, so I can see my girlfriend again. I have a girlfriend.
His name is Hit-Monkey. He's a hitman. Who's a monkey. You don't believe me. Look around you, dude -- he's real. 
Since you're only slightly less sexy than me, you're obviously in charge of this Motley Crew-- 
