- We met our doom when we failed in our vanity to pick ourselves at the first cosmic frost. I am the lone survivor, and I have wandered the trackless void for eons in search of a more efficient body, suitable for framing my superior intellect and my incomparable power.
- -- Phelch
Appearing in "Cry Turnip!"
- Killmallard (Only appearance) (Dream)
- Beverly (Earth-75032) (Only appearance) (Dream)
- Muurks (Dream)
- unnamed helicopter pilot (Only in flashback)
- Kidney Lady (First appearance)
- unnnamed bus driver
Synopsis for "Cry Turnip!"
After reading the story "Killmallard" written by Beverly's friend Arthur Winslow, Howard has a nightmare where he lives as the character and he and Beverly are killed battling alien invaders. Waking up from his nightmare, Howard and Beverly talk about their escape from Pro-Rata's tower, and about Beverly's friend Arthur. Arthur, an aspiring and unpublished writer, is just a friend to Beverly, however Howard is still a little jealous of him.
Meanwhile, Arthur is spending yet another night on duty as a night watchman when he hears a crash. Investigating a warehouse with a broken window, Arthur finds a turnip from space. The space turnip contacts him telepathically and tells him that its name is Pheltch, and that it is the last survivor of its race and that it has scoured the universe looking for the perfect host body. Arthur tells Pheltch about how dull his life is and how he desires to become a hero in the eyes of people. The two make a deal, allowing Pheltch to take control of Arthur's body, Pheltch would give Arthur the opportunity to be a hero, and in return Arthur would allow Pheltch to use his body to experience being human.
The next day, Howard and Beverly are riding the bus when Howard is hassled by the Kidney Lady for smoking on the bus. The two get into an altercation which causes the bus to spin off the overpass, however they are all saved by Arthur, who has become the costumed hero Turnip Man. Feeling that it has completed it's part of the bargain, Pheltch then takes control of Arthur's body and kidnaps Beverly so that it may experience sex.
Howard chases after them, not hearing the Kidney Lady vowing revenge on Howard. Arriving at Sunspot Slope, Howard stops Turnip Man before he can make a move on Beverly (which he was failing at miserably anyway because Pheltch could only access Arthur's cheesy pick-up lines.) Howard is knocked back by a mental bolt, and realizes that the only way Pheltch would have let Arthur carve up his body and wear it as a helmet is if the stem is where his brain is. Howard then plucks the stem, causing Pheltch to go mad and try to get away, pulling Howard with him. Howard however directs Pheltch to a near by smoke stack and drops him in where he is incinerated. Returning to Beverly's apartment, Arthur realizes the errors of his way and accept the fact that life is supposed to be full of mundainaties.
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