Appearing in "First Strike"

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Synopsis for "First Strike"

(the whole review at

The issue begins with a look at Cyclops and Wolverine through a peephole. Wolverine is pretending to be a Jehovah's Witness. This page sets the tone for the whole book, and right away we know we're in for a special, silly, X-Men treat. This page is probably one of the funniest moments in all the Ultimate universe.

On the next page, we see what's going on on the other side of the peephole. There's a giant Russian dude, Boris, with a scantily clad lady in his bed. Boris is wearing nothing more than massive amounts of body hair, an epic Russian mustache, purple boxers, and an American flag bathrobe! Boris's lady thinks Cyclops's optic blast is an earthquake, but Boris scolds her for not watching the Discovery Channel and schools her on New York's tectonics.

After taking care of Boris, Cyke and Wolvie done a backwards ball cap and American flag bandanna, respectively, and drive back to the X-Mansion. Cyclops reveals the two worst things in the world he can think of: Saddam Hussein, and gum under the desks at his school. Wow, Cyclops, just... wow. Then, Wolverine reveals a close second to "CHECK PLEASE!" for the greatest thing he's ever said: "Charlie might have a black belt in tactical diplomacy, but I got a master's in scraping dirt off my shoes". Oh, and he says this while cutting the end off his cigar with a quarter of a claw. Like I said, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. This really happens.

Cut to Storm, where she gets her very own, "LOOK, up in the sky! It's a bird... it's a plane... it's....!" moment.

Storm crash lands in a lake, where we learn she's a big fan of Harley Fatboys and cuddling up and making out with the fat guy.

Back at the X-Mansion, Jean talks out loud to Professor X in her head about Iceman. Professor X says, "I'm still combing his cranium" when talking about what Iceman told to his girlfriend about the X-Mansion. Iceman comes through the door and gives Beast a huge high-five.

Then, Jean Grey uses her incredibly powerful telekinesis to flip a tower of cards upside-down, while Professor X gives Iceman an aneurysm bad enough to cause a wisp of cold air to shoot out of his left nostril. Here we see the archetypes from the X-Men Animated Series: Prof. X is a jerk, and Jean is completely useless.

Next, Colossus gets his amazing one-liner when he replies to Iceman's question about what they teach you in black ops, "the recklessness of bugging five hundred pound Russians when they're bench-pressing, perhaps". Classic!

And we learn that not only did Charles Xavier make Bobby Drake forget about the conversation he had with his girlfriend where he spilled all the Mansions secrets, but he completely wiped his mind of the fact that he ever had a girlfriend in the first place! What a jerk!

Then the crap hits the fan when the Weapon X task force invades the X-Mansion. We learn that Sabretooth has a necklace made of ears:

As if Beast's self-esteem wasn't low enough, Sabretooth informs him he just stole his girlfriend and calls him Fatty all in the same breath, while delivering a smooth back-elbow to knock him out.

Nightcrawler teleports in and uses his prehensile tail to swipe Cyclops's visor, causing Scott Summers to scream the worst expletive he could ever imaging uttering ever: "HOLY GEEZ!".... Cyclops is such a dork.... Nightcrawler then goes on to knock Cyclops out with a frying pan, but that scene was too ridiculous for me to even scan.

Bobby Drake to the rescue! He tries to be witty, he really does.... Maybe the good Professor erased more than just all those treasured memories of his teenage sweetheart?

And Bobby almost gets away with it, too, until Rogue, using Jean's telepathic power and abilities, takes his mind back to his appendectomy, minus the anesthesia! Dang, that girl is twisted! It's no wonder they cut her out of the next X-movie, she's just too hardcore!

And finally, the crème de la crème, the pièce de résistance, the single silliest frame in the whole comicbook: Professor X's head, after Jigglypuff attacked with a Sharpie and turned it into a magic 8-ball. This is genius, because he's bald, and he's psychic, so it works on both levels!

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