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1

Spider-Man was swinging around NYC reminiscing his origin story. "Ever since I was bitten by that radioactive man, things have never been the same. I used to be such a happy little spider, but that life is behind me now. Since my Aunt Ben died there has been nothing in my life but sorrow. Oh, how I cry!"

Suddenly, he saw Rhino rampaging. He landed behind him and said, "Hey Rhino, how you doing?" Rhino said, "I am Rhino! I kill Spider! Rhinos are Spider enemies!"

Spider-Man was shocked. He said, "why the hostility, man?" He broke down and started crying. "There's been a lot going on in my life right now. Why did you have to aggravate this pain? Oh why, why, why!"

Rhino said, "Well fuck you! I vividly remember how you had me bitten by a radioactive rhino! It was all your fault! I want revenge!" He charged forward like a madman.

Right then, he stopped in his tracks. In front of him stood… SNOWFLAKE AND SAFESPACE!

2

Spider-Man stood in awe and said "Who the hell are you?" Suddenly Lagvaldemag appeared behind Spidey and said, "You suck! Silk is better!" Ignoring him, Spider-Man just stared at Snowflake and Safespace for he had never seen them before.

Snowflake turned to Rhino and said, "It is I, Snowflake! I am non-binary and I shall defeat you with my immense transness!" Snowflake threw a trans-blast at Rhino. Unable to handle the super non-binaryness of Snowflake, the transphobic Rhino collapsed on the spot and died.

Spider-Man was in awe. He asked Snowflake, "Whoa dude! You killed him!" Snowflake replied, "I thought he was strong?" Spider-Man then broke character and asked, "Okay, so what did your sidekick do?", pointing at Safespace. Safespace said, "I just stood around, I guess."

Spider-Man shrugged. Snowflake and Safespace used their trans powers to teleport away. Spider-Man said, "Bye guys!"

"Now I gotta clean this up," he thought to himself. Suddenly, police appeared on the scene! The police thought it was Spider-Man that had killed Rhino! They arrested him. Apparently Spider-Man lost all his powers at this point for plot convenience. Anyway, the police threw Spidey in jail. When Spider-Man looked around, he saw that his cell mate was none other than... FUCKFACE!

3

Spider-Man looked at FuckFace and said, "Holy fuck! You're FuckFace! I've heard of you." FuckFace wasn't interested enough to be bothered to reply.

Spider-Man looked at FuckFace and only one thought possessed his mind. Oh my god, he's so hot, he thought to himself. I've got to make my move right now.

He said, "FuckFace, you're so beautiful, I've never seen someone who even comes close to being as beautiful as you." FuckFace didn't say anything and just moved farther away, finding Spider-Man super cringe.

Spider-Man then took off his mask and said, "FuckFace, please..."

FuckFace took one look at him and said, "oh my god, dude! You're fucking ugly! You're so ugly I just got constipation looking at your face!"

Spider-Man was severely hurt. He started sobbing. "I won't be able to live without you, FuckFace!", he said.

Right then, he heard a prison guard open up his cell door. He said to Spider-Man, "It's time for your trial."

Spider-Man said, "Nooooo! Please let me be with FuckFace just a little while longer!" He clung on to the walls of the cell and refused to leave. The guard tried to pull him out of the cell but couldn't.

"FuckFace, help me!" shouted Spider-Man.

FuckFace then came forward and with one slap pushed Spidey out of the cell.

The guard carried Spidey away, all while he whined, "Noooooooooo! Please, I wanna be with FuckFace!"

The guard said, "Shut the hell up. Lament about your sorrow in court."

4

Spider-Man was brought to court. A man in a dark suit told him, "I am your state-appointed lawyer. Justice Matiperiera will be the judge for your trial."

Spider-Man was then put in a box and the following events transpired, which were broadcast on national TV.

News reporter: In a stunning turn of events a so-called "superhero" is being sued for apparently killing the Rhino. The plaintiff, ghost of Alexei Sytsevich, who was killed by the Spider-Man, has filed suit against the Avenger in superior court

Rhino's lawyer: Mr. Sytsevich didn't ask to be killed, Mr. Sytsevich didn't want to be killed and the death received from Spider-Man's "actions" (so called) causes him daily pain

Spider-Man: Hey I gave you what you deserved for killing hundreds of people!

Rhino: You didn't give me what I deserved for killing hundreds of people, you forced me to retire from supervillainy forever, that's what you did!

Spider-Man: Listen you little piece of...!

Spider-Man's lawyer: My client has no further comments at this time

Justice Matiperiera slammed his desk and said, "Order! Order! Based on the evidence incriminating Spider-Man, I sentence Spider-Man to be... CRUCIFIED!"

5

Spider-Man was spider-scared. He telepathically told me, "Dude! Include a motivational scene in your fanfic now!" I said, "Since when is telepathy one of your powers?" He said, "Since now! Just give me a motivational scene!" So here I am.

Spider-Man remembered the face of his Aunt Ben. He remembered the wise words she had texted him the night before her passing: (image)

He screamed out in the middle of the courtroom, "I will avenge you Aunt Ben!"

"I remember, with great power... comes great running ability!"

He ran straight out of the courtroom. Nobody decided to follow him cause that would only complicate the storyline.

Spider-Man perched atop a building and said, "Whew! I managed to survive!"

Right then he conjured a police scanner out of thin air. He heard, "OCTOR DOCTOPUS IS TRASHING THE CITY!!!"

6

Spider-Man picked up a newspaper. (image)

He was enraged. "How dare they put up false allegations against me?" he said. Right then, he heard on one of those giant TV screens that are all over New York, "I request Spider-Man for an interview at the Daily Bugle," J Jonah was saying. Spider-Man decided to go and settle things with Jonah once and for all.

But Octor Doctopus was trashing the city, so he called him up.

"Bro, could you not trash the city for a few hours? I have some business to settle first before I come to stop you."

"Alrighty, anything for you dude." said Octor Doctopus.

Spider-Man then headed towards the Daily Bugle. He made his entry with the Bully Maguire dance™ and sat down next to Jonah.

"This is just a friendly interview," said Jonah. "I just want to know, what do you think of the movie Far From Home?"

"It's garbage," said Spidey.

The audience boo'd. Jonah laughed.

"You really think Far From Home is garbage?"

"I do, and I'm tired of pretending it's not."

"Tell us more jokes, Spidey!" said someone in the audience. The audience roared.

"Okay, here's another one. Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"It's the police, ma'am. Your son was bitten by a radioactive spider and he's dead!" Spidey laughed.

Someone said, "Ahhhh! No, no, you cannot joke about that."

Jonah shook his head. "Yeah, that's not funny, Parker. That's not

the kind of humor we do on this respectable newspaper."

Spidey sighed. "Sorry. It's been a rough few hours, Jonah. Ever since I killed the Rhino."

An awkward pause.

"Okay. I'm waiting for the punchline."

"There is no punchline. It's not a joke."

7

J Jonah Jameson was shocked. He said, "You really are a menace! Ladies and gentlemen, see the true colors of Spider-Man!"

Spider-Man smirked. He said, "Well guess what, I'll have you know that Reddit declared me NTA (Not The Asshole). Look!" (image)

"Holy crap," said J Jonah Jameson, "I guess you are innocent, Spider-Man. If Reddit says you are innocent, you must be!"

"But you aren't," said Spidey.

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you want another joke?"

"No, Spider-Man. I respect y-"

"WHAT DO YOU GET-"

"Why are you so aggressive?"

"-WHEN YOU CROSS A MENTALLY DEPRESSED LONER-"

"I accepted your innocence, Spider-Man. It's okay."

"-WITH A NEWSPAPER THAT SLANDERS HIM AND TREATS HIM LIKE TRASH?"

J Jonah Jameson said, "I did not slander you. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print its libe-"

"YOU GET WHAT YOU FUCKING DESERVE!!!!!"

Spider-Man pulled out a gun and shot Jonah. The audience cheered.

"I love you, Spidey," said someone.

"Spider-Man rocks!" said another.

"Thank you, thank you, you're far too kind," said Spider-Man.

He then got up and did his signature dance.

"Well, I must leave now, because my arch-enemy Octor Doctopus is waiting for me."

He pulled out his phone and texted Octor Doctopus. (image)

Spider-Man swung over out to the city. In front of him, standing menacingly, was OCTOR DOCTOPUS!!!

8

Spider-Man landed in front of Octor Doctopus.

"Okay, I'm here. Now stop trashing the city, man," he said.

Octor Doctopus said, "UwU! It's Spider-sama! *notices bulge* OwO what's this?"

"Dude, what the hell?"

"Uwu don't be angry senpai!!! I was just trashing the city so I could get your attention!!!"

"What the fuck, man?" said Spider-Man.

"Why don't we go cuddle around the fire and read 'My Flawed Lover: Dildohands', senpai?" (image)

"Bro, I'm outta here," said Spider-Man.

He then tried to swing away but suddenly, Doctopus broke his web-shooters.

"Man, leave me alone, you fucking idiot!" Spider-Man shouted.

Right then, Octor Doctopus grabbed Spidey by his tentacles.

"Why are you mad at me, Senpai? 😫" Doctopus said.

"Dude, I think you're forgetting that I made a hit disstrack against you." (image)

"What? When?"

"About a year ago, now leave me alone! Have you been living under a rock or something?"

But it was too late. Doctopus had already grabbed him by those tentacles of his.

"All I wanted to do was cuddle, Spider-Man! But you betrayed me..."

Suddenly, all time stopped.

Clouds in the sky opened up.

GOD DESCENDED FROM HEAVEN!!!!!

9

God descended from heaven and exclaimed, "I just finished watching Morbius, but here's something even better! This is it! The fight of the century! I can't afford to miss it. But let me go get some popcorn first." It took God two months to go and steal some popcorn from a popcorn seller. "Haha, get it, because SPIDEEEY was away for two months?" He said. "I'm hilarious, ain't I?"

Anyway, God ascended back into the sky and started time again. Spider-Man started writhing, wrapped in the tentacles of the evil Dr Octopus.

"Now that I have you helpless, it's time for me to pointlessly recite my origin story again," he declared. He continued, "I still remember the day when I was bitten by a radioactive octopus — and all because of you! Yes, it was you who caused me to turn into a monster! Affirmative, it was your own self that brought about this monstrous transformation! Correct, it was thee who prompted such a ghastly metamorphosis! Yup, it was thine actions that resulted in this hideous transition! ¡Sí, fuiste tú quien hizo que me convirtiera en un mon—"

"Dude, would you stop repeating the same thing in different ways and rather tell me how exactly I caused you to turn into a monster? I mean, undergo a monstrous transformation? I mean, have a ghastly metamorphosis? I mean—"

"Shut up idiot! I will tell you exactly how you caused this!"

A long and awkward pause followed, which was made even more awkward by the fact that Ock had Spidey held in his tentacles.

"Well?..." Spider-Man began.

"Yes, yes, I remember! It was uh... uh..."

"Dude, I think I know what's going on. I could explain it to you but you don't seem like you wanna do that right now."

"Ok, go ahead, Spider-Man, what do you wanna say?"

"Look, you're an old man. I'll just cut straight to the chase. I think you have Alzheimer's."

"WHAT?" Dr Octopus roared. "WHAT DID YOU SAY? ME, THE GREAT OCTAVIUS, SUFFERING FROM ALZHEIMER'S?"

"Yeah, it's not outside the realm of possibility. I also think you got dementia."

"WHAT?!"

"In fact, what you're thinking right now is all just a hallucination you're having. I'm not even here." Spidey explained.

"B-bu-wha-what?" Octavius was now utterly confused. He looked around and his head started feeling dizzy.

"Yeah, I'm fairly sure." Spidey said. "I should know. I'm a figment of your imagination after all, so I am you, in a way."

Dr Octopus now broke down and released Spidey. He fell to the ground. "So everything has been a lie?" he cried.

"I'm afraid so," Spidey said, now on the ground. "I think you're also suffering from a far more dangerous disorder... ligma."

Octavius looked up. "Ligma? What's that?"

"LIGMA BALLS BITCH!" Spidey said and punched Octavius to oblivion.

In heaven, God was disappointed. He had expected this to be a fight full of action. "Boo!" he shouted and threw his popcorn down.

Spider-Man chuckled, "Well that was a good one." No it wasn't, you moron.

THE END

"That's it?" asked @I dont care if my name is taken, confused.

"Wait, did you think this fanfic was gonna end at part 10? Well SCREW YOU! Good day, perfectionists!" Spider-Man said as he jumped off a cliff for no reason.

CREDITS

Story - SPIDEEEY!/Yu Komori

Based on characters from MARVEL COMICS

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