- To be honest, fräulein Locke, I don't usually make a habit of striking the beautiful women I meet -- but I've a need for your souped-up shotgun. I hope you don't mind me using it to blast this place to smithereens.
- -- Nightcrawler
Appearing in "He Only Laughs When I Hurt!"
- Captain Britain (Brian Braddock) (Only in flashback) (Cameo)
- Spider-Man (Peter Parker) (Only in flashback) (Cameo)
- Maggia (Only in flashback) (Cameo)
- Black Tom Cassidy (Only in flashback)
- Juggernaut (Cain Marko) (Only in flashback)
- Alexi Vazhin (android) (Only in flashback) (Cameo)
- Magneto (android) (Only appearance) (Destruction)
- Hulk (android) (Only appearance) (Destruction)
- Unnamed members of Arcade's entourage - (Only in flashback)
- United States (Main story and flashback)
Synopsis for "He Only Laughs When I Hurt!"
Continued from last issue...
Captured by Arcade, the X-Men are being subjected to a variety of death traps in his lethal amusement park, Murderworld. Cyclops and Wolverine are currently facing off against Colossus, who has been brainwashed into thinking he is a "Proletarian", a Soviet loyalist.
Meanwhile, Arcade cackles with glee in his control room. With him are prisoners Colleen Wing, Amanda Sefton and Betsy Willford. When Colleen demands to know who he is, Arcade relates his origin story: he was an idle rich kid of Beverly Hills until his father cut off his money, prompting him to murder his father. Realizing that he had (in his words) “a knack for killing”, he then used his family fortune to construct Murderworld and hire himself out as an assassin. He recounts how he was previously hired by the Maggia to try and eliminate Spider-Man and Captain Britain, although the two heroes survived his traps.
Meanwhile, the battle between “Proletarian” and Wolverine and Cyclops continues. The brainwashed Colossus manages to knock both of his comrades through different revolving doors. Elsewhere, Storm tries desperately to get out of a room that is rapidly filling with water while struggling to keep her claustrophobia in check. Cyclops ends up landing in the room where Nightcrawler struggles to avoid being cut by a number of bumper cars lined with razor blades. When Cyclops arrives, all the cars pop out at once to strike.
Wolverine ends up in the holographic simulation alongside Banshee. Wolverine's senses allow him to find a wall and he attempts to cut through it. But Arcade, having already anticipated this, has a surprise waiting for the two mutants: robot duplicates of the Hulk and Magneto.
Storm attempts to find an escape underwater. Discarding her cape and boots, she swims down and finds a gated grate that might lead to a way out. Desperately hoping to be able to escape through it before her air runs out, she attempts to overload the room’s circuitry with a torrent of lightning bolts.
Cyclops dispatches the razor-cars with a trick shot and blasts a hole in the wall that leads to an access tunnel. He sends Nightcrawler off on his own to find the control room while he blasts his way into another room, the same room where Wolverine and Banshee are fighting the Hulk and Magneto robots.
Nightcrawler gets the drop on Arcade, Miss Locke and Mr. Chambers. Taking Miss Locke's machine gun, Nightcrawler blasts the controls to Murderworld before being brought down by knockout gas.
Cyclops, Wolverine and Banshee finish off the robots just as a panel in the wall opens, dumping out a flood of water into the room, as well as an unconscious Storm. Cyclops revives Storm just as Colossus enters the room. Still under the influence of his brainwashing, Colossus knocks out Wolverine and Banshee and begins to strangle both Storm and Cyclops. Storm, however, appeals to Colossus’s true nature, making him snap out of his brainwashing.
With the battle lost, Arcade decides to let the X-Men live and pushes a button that ejects the X-Men and their friends out of Murderworld into an abandoned amusement park. Moments later, Nightcrawler, Colleen, Amanda and Betsy are similarly ejected from the deadly theme park. Cyclops finds a note from Arcade pinned to Nightcrawler’s costume, telling the X-Men that they won the first round but he'll get them next time.
Although Wolverine wants to go back, Cyclops advises against it and the team decides to return home to recuperate from their battle.
- Cyclops makes a comment on how he does not have Wolverine's indestructible bones. This is the first indication that Wolverine's whole skeleton is adamantium, not just his claws.
- Although Amanda will continue to date Kurt and have an expanded (supporting) role in future stories, this is the last appearance of Colossus's date Betsy. (Understandably, as being kidnapped and held prisoner by a deranged assassin while seeing her date brainwashed into nearly murdering his friends is probably a deal-breaker for most, non-superheroic folks.)
- Similarly, the brief courtship between Scott and Colleen Wing comes to an abrupt end this issue as Jean/Phoenix returns to prominence in the next issue and is reunited with Scott. Colleen abruptly vanishes, at least from this series, after this issue.
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